Not turning out alright...

Okay, so I've been told all my life that your senior year is supposed to be the best year ever of your high school life. I've been told that it's when everything just seems to turn out right and your best memories are made during this year. I'd really like to punch every person that has said this to me.... they were so wrong.

Number one thing that has gone wrong: Almost all friendships have been brought to practically nothing and about the only reason any of us are still friends is just to be nice and save face... I suppose. This is how I feel at least... this is how I have perseived it all, but I could be wrong. I know at least I am still in it because I care and because I believe in fighting for friendship. But it gets harder and harder everyday as it feels more artificial with each smile and wave.

Second thing that has gone terribly wrong: My determination.... which has resulted in the most terrible grades anyone could ever imagine. I never thought it would get as bad as it is, and now I'm in a panic and praying that my teachers will find mercy and fogiveness, and somehow find it in them to believe me that if they tell me to do hard, and extra work, that I will do any and all that they ask of me. I know of no other way to save myself from not being able to graduate. That would the worst thing to ever happen to me. I can't even think of it... it's not an option, yet it is up to my teachers attitudes toward giving me a fighting chance.

Third thing: My plans for the future. I have dreamed since 6th grade that I would be graduated and out of Idaho within a month to a month and a half after graduation.... and I knew the entire time that could not happen... but I dreamed it anyway.... with small ounces of hope. I know for sure now that it will take more than just 3 to 4 or even 5 months for me to be able to leave. It will be longer than a year. I'm so afraid that I'll never get out of here... it scares me to think that there is this great big world out there, and I'll never see more than small parts of the surrounding states of Idaho. I'm scared of being trapped and never experiencing the beauties of the rest of the world.

I just keep hope... that's all I've really got going to for me now. And I have more determination now than I have in a long time, but I'm afraid it came too late. But I just hope.
Pray for me now, please... even if you don't pray. I am talking to my teachers tomorrow... I hope they will see in my face and my eyes that they can trust me to do the work they ask me to do. As for my friends and my future, like I said, just pray for me.... and hope that things turn out right.
Thanks.

Until next time...