Do ya ever just feel like you don't want to feel anything anymore?

I hate nights like tonight. I hate feeling so unhappy and lost when I have no reason to... at all. I had a really great day today.

I spent the morning and afternoon doing fun stuff with my mom.
Then this evening, I hung out with one of my best friends, Kat. We went swimming and laughed until we thought we were going to explode.

But for some reason, I still feel like all I want to do is cry and scream and be angry and stupid stuff like that, but I have no reason to be feeling like this.

I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
I would talk about the biggest thing that is on my mind, but ya never know who might read this, so I won't go there.

The second biggest thing that is not only weighing on my mind, but even more on my heart is how much I miss my family in Idaho Falls. I want to go there sooooooo bad, and it's only been a month since I was last there. I've just been thinking about them a lot lately and about how much I miss the things we did as a family when I was little. I miss the family cook-outs, camp-outs (I REALLLLLLLLY want to go camping with my family.... it's killing me!) holidays, birthdays, Sundays, any day that we spent together.
My Uncle Kim, my dad's brother, was here this week. We haven't seen him in such a long time and it was so fun just getting to spend a couple of hours with him. We went to dinner with him and it made me miss everyone so much. Even when we do get a chance to go to Idaho Falls every now and then, we don't get to see all of the family and it stinks.
I just want to be with them and share stories and catch up on everyone's lives, and talk about memories. Stuff like that. I miss all the little things that made life there so special.
And on nights like tonight, it makes me feel even farther away from them.
I miss them all so much. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

Third thing that is bothering me.... friendship stuff. I haven't been a very good friend lately. I've always said that just because someone has a "significant other" it shouldn't mean that they abandone their friends. I feel like I've done exactly that. I've told so many of my friends that I'd take some time to hang out with them, but I haven't followed through with almost all of those times. I was supposed to meet a really important friend of mine at the airport on Monday when she came home from being in Florida for a month, and I totally spaced it. I also had another very important friend leave for college about a week ago, and she had two whole weeks that we could have done something together, but I never even took the time to call her before she left. I feel like such a horrible person. I've never been like this with my friends and all of the sudden, I can't seem to remember to find time for them. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all the time I spend with my sweetie, but I just feel like the world's biggest jerk for not spending time with everyone. So if any of you read this, I am so sorry for ignoring you. I hope you can forgive me and give me another chance.

And last, but most certainly not least... I still don't have a job and it's not because I've tried and just haven't gotten anything. The reason I don't have a job is because I honestly haven't turned in any applications. Once again, I've been keeping pretty busy with a certain someone, and just haven't been smart enough to make time to take out applications. My parents are amazing for being so patient and understanding. But I feel like such a dead-weight on their finances. I'd really like to be able to use my own money for things instead of having them pay for my life. I'd like to be able to spend money on things that my boyfriend and I do, instead of him having to pay all the time. I appreciate everything, I just feel like a leech.... sucking the financial LIFE out of everyone. I hate that. I don't want to be a leech... they're ugly and NOBODY likes them.

So, I guess there are somethings I need to do to fix my problems.

Number one: Give the family a call myself, instead of always having my mom relay my "I love you's" for me. Let them know how much I miss them and talk about maybe spending some time there soon.

Number two: Learn to prioritize. My friends need to know they're still important; my family needs to know I still need them and want to spend time playing games and watching movies and stuff like that with them; and I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I can accomplish tasks that need to be done and that I'm not a slacker/leech.

Number three: I really need to be more bold and confident and face the thing that is weighing most on my mind.... which will remain unidentified. I just don't know how to face it because it's a first for me.

Hmmm... I'm impressed. This is a super-huge-gigantic- ginormous blog! The thing I don't like about it...... I feel like the world's biggest whiner EVER! Not cool. I think I give people the wrong impression. I really am a happy person, I just never blog about the good times. I seem to blog only when I need to vent. Maybe I should start another good habit of blogging about good things that happen to me.
Alright. So, I need to get to bed. I'm super-tired.

Until next time....