I am the Angel of Music.

Who will read???

2009-07-02T01:30:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh... how could I have forgotten about this?? Really? It's so terrible... because it's so perfect! My Phantom of the Opera background... wow. Awesome. I can't believe the last time I posted anything was December, 2006.... it's July 2009 now!!! WHAT! WOWO!
So I'm married.... just a few weeks over 2 years being married. Matt is at basic training for the Army National Guard and will be home in 1 week and 1 day (it's July 2nd at 2:30 AM!!!) and I have insomnia from him being gone.
Literally people.... it sucks. If you ever think.... maybe it would be a great idea for my significant other to joing the military and leave me for a long period of time... well it's a TERRIBLE idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of him.... but I've also become a trainwreck of a person. I am completely serious when I say that if he gets deployed (and he's guaranteed to be) then I will have to be put in a place where I can't hurt myself or others. I'm completely one hundered percent not joking at all.
If you laugh... well then.... that's not good because it's not a joke. I've scared myself a lot with how insane I've gotten. I have to lock myself up in my safest room and sit in a corner and stay there until I'm not so out of my mind. It scares me every day at how easy it would be for me to do something completely stupid when I get in one of my... funks, I guess you would call it. It's like I lose control and I'm not even me anymore. I have to lock my dog up and my cat so I can't hurt either of them and I have to hide in the one room that has the least stuff in it. I have to cover my mouth as best as possible because of how loud I scream.... and I'm recalling all of this as if I watched from across the room. It's weird.
So..... uh. yeah. I don't know why I'm saying all of this except that I really need to let it out. I'm sick of pretending to the rest of the world like I'm fine and I'm handling it. I hate how out of control I get and then it's like I'm not even here, but something else is and it takes over and gets dangerously close to a scary edge.
I need therapy.
I still have issues with coping with the fact that my husband left me. Maybe that's why I'm posting on here. I needed to go somewhere where he wouldn't see. Please, if you know if, don't direct him here. I don't need him to have the wait of this on his shoulders. He's already done so much for us and he's been so brave and strong. He's amazing and I don't blame him for any of this, but I know he would let it get to him.
But I have issues getting over these thoughts in my head that crush me more and more every time I let them out.... things like, he voluntarily left me. He left me without a 2nd look back. He left without looking sad. He left me without a heartfelt good-bye, or a heartfelt kiss or hug. He just left me alone and it wasn't any thing for him to do so. I remember how his face looked when we'd talk about him joining the military. The tone of his voice, the way his eyes were almost cold, like he was dying to say "I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!" And the morning he left.... god, that was such a horrible day... not really because he left, but because of the way he left. There was nothing in him that showed any remorse about leaving. He hardly kissed me. He hardly hugged me. He got up and dressed and ready to leave the house so fast I could have sworn he used magic to do it. He asked me to not get upset, to not cry, to be strong. He asked me to show no emotion and so I didn't. I didn't cry, I didn't break, and I didn't look him in the eyes while he said good bye because I was scared to see that it was really good-bye for good. I felt so sure that if he liked basic training enough that he would asked to be deployed right out of training, and then I'd never see him again.
Thank god I was wrong. Thank my wonderful gracious merciful loving God that he blessed both Matt and me to see how much we need eachother. He softened Matt's heart and opened his eyes to what he left behind and how good he had it at home. God opened my mind to how immature I was and how irresponsible I was, and self-centered, always thinking of what I wanted and not how it was affecting Matt. We both have realized that what we have is so wonderful and that we need each other to survive. I thank my God for that every day, for the blessing of a husband who is over-joyed to return to our home and for the blessing of my being able to be a stronger, more independent, more mature woman and wife. I know now how important the little things are and that our time together is the most precious thing we have. I never appreciated the time I got to spend with Matt. I was always complaining that I never got to go hang out with friends or do things I wanted to do. It was a hard thing to realize how ridiculous and selfish and hurtful I was being.
But there are still nights that keep me awake, like tonight, when I feel those scars inside, threatening to reopen, to take a little more of my sanity and strength each time. I know there is a way to make them gone for good, I just don't know what it is that I have to do to make them go away. There has to be a way.
I really do wonder if anyone would even see this. In a lot of ways, I hope not. It's sad and embarrassing and upsetting and I don't like the way I am right now. But it's only a few days and Matt will be home and we'll be able to start over and I know I'll be better.
I just need the strength to make it until then.
Need to go to bed.
yeah right.

DSM-ber... I like December???

2006-12-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

Hahahahaaa! Okay, nobody that reads this blog knows what that title means, but oh boy if you did, you would be laughing super hard right now.
Oh man.
Um... I'm really happy and excited for it to finally be December! Tonight is the Eagle Holiday thing that they do the tree lighting and stuff! I'm so so so so so excited for that! It starts like, pretty early, too, so I'm gonna go out this evenging and enjoy the festivities! WOO!!!
Once again, I will be going alone... sadly. That's kinda my fault though, I didn't let Matt know about it, but that's because I didn't know it was tonight until yesterday when my dad told me.
Anyway... I'm excited to see the little parade that they do, and see the live nativity with the camel, and then all the people singing at the Gazeebo and lots of free hot chocolate! Yay! I love it!
I just wish I could have Matt there to keep me warm. : ( And they'll have the spot where everybody goes to kiss under the mistle toe.... man, this sucks. Dang it... I was all excited and now I'm just depressed.
Okay... no... I'm HAPPY! Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.... happy? Ohhhh, it's not working!
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts! Free hot chocolate, christmas carols, lots of free other things too.
I think I'll survive.
Aaaanyway, I can't wait for tonight. It's going to be great.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!!

So every millenium...

2006-11-28T21:14:00.000-08:00

So pretty much, I never post on here.... I don't know why, I just don't. But I pretty much never post a blog on myspace either. I just don't blog much anymore.
I guess there's just stuff that I'm afraid certain people don't want me to publicly talk about. For example, that fact that I'm engaged and getting married to the most amazing and perfect guy EVER!!!
But I think it might embarrass him to talk about it. I don't really know why. Like, is it just a guy thing for them to not like to talk about it????
I'm pretty confused.
Anyway.... but I am engaged and getting married and I'm so stinking excited! I want to shout it from the tallest mountain and make the whole world hear about it. I mean, I'm going to marry the man of my dreams.... literally. I mean, who wouldn't dream about him! He's just PERFECT!!!
So we're thinking June, but I'm not so sure. I mean.... everyone does June. I'd really like to do a May wedding or even earlier, but we want to make sure we have at least enough money to get a good start.
I just want to get it over with because it is so hard to have to leave him every night or have to let him go home every night that he's at my house. And I think I'm starting to get a little annoying because I never want to let him leave and I put a pouty face on... but I don't think it's cute anymore... just annoying.
: (
I am pretty annoying to tell ya the truth. I think I annoy most people. Which makes the fact that I don't see my friends very often a good thing because then I don't annoy them and they get time away from me.
Aaaaa! I'm such a downer!!! BLAH!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me..... wait... I KNOW!!! And I'm going to be completely honest here! It's that time of the month and I'm never happy. I'm always in a bad mood... that's why God invented chocolate!
And anti-depressants! ; )
No... I'm not still on those. Sometimes I think I should be though. I'm like, depressed 85% of the time... not so good.
This is probably the most random blog because it has no actual flow to it. It's just kinda all over the place... but I like it that way.
So tomorrow is the 29th of November and I really want to put up Christmas decorations outside. I'm hoping that there will be enough sun shine tomorrow to be able to work outside and kinda get the yard cleaned up so we can make the house look all pretty for Christmas. YAY! I love the holiday... makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
But I'm not feeling very warm and fuzzy right now. More like I want to burst into tears and kick and scream and throw stuff for no real reason at all.
Actually, I think I have some pretty good reasoning. But I will not be disclosing that information. Private!!!
Oh but how I wish I could tell everyone why I'm not happy. I'm sure it would help much more than keeping it to myself.
But oh well... that's life.

Man.... I wish I had more happy things to talk about. Um........... my best friend Kara came home for Thanksgiving and I got to hang with her for a little while. We didn't get to hang out much, but she was only home for like 5 days basically. She'll be home for a break probably the 20th of December and then she's home until April!!!! YAYAYAYAYYYYY!!!!
That's when I'll be doing most of the wedding planning. She and my best friend Laura are going to be my brides maids. Laura is going to be my maid of honor because she's more like my sister than anyone of my friends because I've known her literally since day one of my life... and we even have the same last name. And then Kara is going to be like, my second maid of honor... since there's only going to be two girls.
I just can't wait to really get into the details. I think I'm the only one that's seriously psyched... I mean... I'm ready to burst with excitement and go crazy with planning, but I kinda feel like I can't. I don't know. I'm confused.... lots.
Well, this has been sufficiently lame, so I'm going to end now.
Later gators!!!

It's so late and I want so badly to feel happy! : (

2006-08-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

It's 1:04 in the morning and I wish I could be sleeping, but I can't with how awful I feel.
It's bad enough that I'm extremely tempted to go down the rest of the bottle of my anti-depressents, just to feel an inch of happiness go through my body.
I can't believe how horrible I feel and how depressed I am after what was supposed to be a good day.
Something just went wrong.... and I feel like it's all my fault and I feel like such a failure and just feel like I can't do anything right anymore!
I wish I could stop crying and be strong and shake it off and say to myself that I'm just being dumb and that there's nothing wrong, but there's a million things wrong and I'm the biggest one of them.
I wish that I was smarter than I am, and that I had a quick mind, and more wit, and more confidence. I wish I was everything that I know would make my situation easier.... if I were all of those things and more.
I thought I was doing my best. I thought I was giving it my hardest to be better and to do better and to be continually improving myself and not settling for how I am now, but always trying to make more of myself.
I thought I was improving in things that I couldn't do before, but I feel like the harder I try, the more bigger and better things are expected and whatever I do is never going to be good enough.... I'LL never be good enough.
I'll never look good enough, I'll never KNOW enough, I'll never have enough skills, I'LL NEVER BE ENOUGH!!!! I hate that I should be feeling really happy at this point in my life, and just in one day, it's gone and all I want to do is run away and hide and pretend none of it ever happened, just so I could feel happy and not so upset about everything.
I should be giggling and laughing and constantly smiling and on cloud nine 24/7, but instead, with each day, I feel worse and worse about who I am, about myself, about my efforts... and I just keep feeling like I'm never going to be good enough and I'm just going to be forgotten and left behind in the end. I feel like the love I feel is just going to be pushed back into my face and that I'll look like an idiot for it.
But who knows.... maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm just being a stupid girl, who was hurt once (and it was devistating) and I'm just afraid to have it happen again. So when there is a serious lack of "reassurance" I start freaking out that things aren't okay and that things are very bad. When I don't hear comforting words like "I love you" I start to worry that the reason these things aren't being said is because they aren't true anymore.
Like I said, I could be wrong and I could end up eating my words tomorrow..... I really hope I do. I want to be made a liar.... I want to be proved wrong that all my worries and the fact that my heart is ripping apart... it's all just been a waste of heart aches because there's no reason to feel like this. I WANT to be wrong, sooooo badly!
So if I am...... the next blog on here should be great.... if I'm not.... I don't think there will be a next blog. Who knows.

Do ya ever just feel like you don't want to feel anything anymore?

2006-07-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

I hate nights like tonight. I hate feeling so unhappy and lost when I have no reason to... at all. I had a really great day today.

I spent the morning and afternoon doing fun stuff with my mom.
Then this evening, I hung out with one of my best friends, Kat. We went swimming and laughed until we thought we were going to explode.

But for some reason, I still feel like all I want to do is cry and scream and be angry and stupid stuff like that, but I have no reason to be feeling like this.

I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
I would talk about the biggest thing that is on my mind, but ya never know who might read this, so I won't go there.

The second biggest thing that is not only weighing on my mind, but even more on my heart is how much I miss my family in Idaho Falls. I want to go there sooooooo bad, and it's only been a month since I was last there. I've just been thinking about them a lot lately and about how much I miss the things we did as a family when I was little. I miss the family cook-outs, camp-outs (I REALLLLLLLLY want to go camping with my family.... it's killing me!) holidays, birthdays, Sundays, any day that we spent together.
My Uncle Kim, my dad's brother, was here this week. We haven't seen him in such a long time and it was so fun just getting to spend a couple of hours with him. We went to dinner with him and it made me miss everyone so much. Even when we do get a chance to go to Idaho Falls every now and then, we don't get to see all of the family and it stinks.
I just want to be with them and share stories and catch up on everyone's lives, and talk about memories. Stuff like that. I miss all the little things that made life there so special.
And on nights like tonight, it makes me feel even farther away from them.
I miss them all so much. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

Third thing that is bothering me.... friendship stuff. I haven't been a very good friend lately. I've always said that just because someone has a "significant other" it shouldn't mean that they abandone their friends. I feel like I've done exactly that. I've told so many of my friends that I'd take some time to hang out with them, but I haven't followed through with almost all of those times. I was supposed to meet a really important friend of mine at the airport on Monday when she came home from being in Florida for a month, and I totally spaced it. I also had another very important friend leave for college about a week ago, and she had two whole weeks that we could have done something together, but I never even took the time to call her before she left. I feel like such a horrible person. I've never been like this with my friends and all of the sudden, I can't seem to remember to find time for them. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all the time I spend with my sweetie, but I just feel like the world's biggest jerk for not spending time with everyone. So if any of you read this, I am so sorry for ignoring you. I hope you can forgive me and give me another chance.

And last, but most certainly not least... I still don't have a job and it's not because I've tried and just haven't gotten anything. The reason I don't have a job is because I honestly haven't turned in any applications. Once again, I've been keeping pretty busy with a certain someone, and just haven't been smart enough to make time to take out applications. My parents are amazing for being so patient and understanding. But I feel like such a dead-weight on their finances. I'd really like to be able to use my own money for things instead of having them pay for my life. I'd like to be able to spend money on things that my boyfriend and I do, instead of him having to pay all the time. I appreciate everything, I just feel like a leech.... sucking the financial LIFE out of everyone. I hate that. I don't want to be a leech... they're ugly and NOBODY likes them.

So, I guess there are somethings I need to do to fix my problems.

Number one: Give the family a call myself, instead of always having my mom relay my "I love you's" for me. Let them know how much I miss them and talk about maybe spending some time there soon.

Number two: Learn to prioritize. My friends need to know they're still important; my family needs to know I still need them and want to spend time playing games and watching movies and stuff like that with them; and I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I can accomplish tasks that need to be done and that I'm not a slacker/leech.

Number three: I really need to be more bold and confident and face the thing that is weighing most on my mind.... which will remain unidentified. I just don't know how to face it because it's a first for me.

Hmmm... I'm impressed. This is a super-huge-gigantic- ginormous blog! The thing I don't like about it...... I feel like the world's biggest whiner EVER! Not cool. I think I give people the wrong impression. I really am a happy person, I just never blog about the good times. I seem to blog only when I need to vent. Maybe I should start another good habit of blogging about good things that happen to me.
Alright. So, I need to get to bed. I'm super-tired.

Until next time....

Just so ya know.

2006-06-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I know I don't post on here often. So I'm sorry if you've been the kind of person who checks frequently and never find anything new. My bad.

Quick update: I did graduate from high school, but just barely. Thank goodness I made it.

Anyhoo. So what's going on in my life right now is that I'm praying like crazy to be able to go up to Seattle for a little while and stay with my brother. Maybe for a month, maybe for a few months. I just know I want to go and take a breather from life here. I don't know why I feel so over-whelmed, when this month has been so relaxing and easy-going. I think it's mostly because I don't know how I'm going to handle all of my friends going away to college this week and I have to stay behind. It sucks.... A LOT!!!!!!!!

So Seattle is my biggest goal right now. But to occupy my time, I'm looking for a job. I want to get a job down-town at one of the clothing boutiques. That, or work at a bookstore. Other than that, I'm still taking voice lessons, but I'm taking from a new teacher and he is absolutely amazing. He is so freaking smart! I really want to audition for Opera Idaho, but I want him to help me out with that one.

Well, that's pretty much it. Sorry for taking such a long time to fill ya in on stuff.

Until next time...........

Not turning out alright...

2006-04-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been told all my life that your senior year is supposed to be the best year ever of your high school life. I've been told that it's when everything just seems to turn out right and your best memories are made during this year. I'd really like to punch every person that has said this to me.... they were so wrong.

Number one thing that has gone wrong: Almost all friendships have been brought to practically nothing and about the only reason any of us are still friends is just to be nice and save face... I suppose. This is how I feel at least... this is how I have perseived it all, but I could be wrong. I know at least I am still in it because I care and because I believe in fighting for friendship. But it gets harder and harder everyday as it feels more artificial with each smile and wave.

Second thing that has gone terribly wrong: My determination.... which has resulted in the most terrible grades anyone could ever imagine. I never thought it would get as bad as it is, and now I'm in a panic and praying that my teachers will find mercy and fogiveness, and somehow find it in them to believe me that if they tell me to do hard, and extra work, that I will do any and all that they ask of me. I know of no other way to save myself from not being able to graduate. That would the worst thing to ever happen to me. I can't even think of it... it's not an option, yet it is up to my teachers attitudes toward giving me a fighting chance.

Third thing: My plans for the future. I have dreamed since 6th grade that I would be graduated and out of Idaho within a month to a month and a half after graduation.... and I knew the entire time that could not happen... but I dreamed it anyway.... with small ounces of hope. I know for sure now that it will take more than just 3 to 4 or even 5 months for me to be able to leave. It will be longer than a year. I'm so afraid that I'll never get out of here... it scares me to think that there is this great big world out there, and I'll never see more than small parts of the surrounding states of Idaho. I'm scared of being trapped and never experiencing the beauties of the rest of the world.

I just keep hope... that's all I've really got going to for me now. And I have more determination now than I have in a long time, but I'm afraid it came too late. But I just hope.
Pray for me now, please... even if you don't pray. I am talking to my teachers tomorrow... I hope they will see in my face and my eyes that they can trust me to do the work they ask me to do. As for my friends and my future, like I said, just pray for me.... and hope that things turn out right.
Thanks.

Until next time...

You give me feeeeva!!!

2006-02-26T20:13:00.000-08:00

K, so I just got done watching the FINALE of Dancing With The Stars.
It was good, what I saw of it, but I missed the finale dances of the two competeing couples.
Oh well. It was still fun!
And.... MY PEOPLE WON!!!!!
Drew Lache and his partner won and got a sweet trophy!
Ahhhhh yeah!
It was great and I was spazing out! I LOVE THAT SHOW!!!
I just love anything having to do with Ballroom Dancing.

Anyhoo! Had a pretty awesome weekend. Now comes what I anticipate to be an extremely long week, just waiting for the weekend because basically all of my family (my mom's side) is coming here from Idaho Falls for my cousin's wedding reception!!!
SWEET!
I seriously am FREAKING OUT waiting for them to get here. I can't stand it! I want them to be here NOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!!!!!
I think I will go crazy! Seriously! But yeah, this coming weekend is going to be AWESOME and I'm sooooo stoked. I just can't believe they're actually going to be here. The only one that won't be here is my Uncle Derrick... which TOTALLY SUCKS because he is like, the coolest Uncle in the world... well, one of the coolest. I can't choose favorites because alllllll of my uncles are awesome. But Derrick is like, this crazy guy who goes perfectly with my Aunt Janice, who is the crazy lady and they both still act like kids (in a good way) and they make every second you're with them, pretty much the best time EVER. But he can't come because their dog, Gracie, is having PUPPIES!!! So, yeah... I'm gonna miss him tons! But Janice will be here and that is going to be FRIKIN' AWESOME!!!!

OOOOOOHHHHHHH!!! I just seriously can't stand the wait! It's going to be so hard to not lose my mind over it. I guess I will just have to keep really busy this week and stay distracted. Yep yep, that's the only solution.

Alrighty, I need to get going. I don't know why, but I do.
And, if any one talk to my future husband... Gerard Butler, please inform him that his future wife would really like to talk to him... and meet him, and he needs to return her phone calls!
Thanks!
; )
No... I don't really have his phone number, so don't ask!

Okay, so have a GREAT NIGHT!!! Sleep tight... and uh... all that good stuff.
LOVE YA TONS!

Peace out.

So very bad.

2006-02-23T20:45:00.000-08:00

K, so my choir went on choir tour last week. We went to Portland, OR and we were there from Tuesday until Saturday. I knew that if I wasn't super careful, I would over-work my voice, so I was super careful and I drank a lot of water. But I think I didn't drink enough because I have seriously wrecked my voice. But I don't blame it on singing to much or too hard. I blame the buses that we were on.
We take charter buses when we go on trips for choir. They are awesome and SOOOOO much better than your average, yellow school bus. But they have one thing that is very bad, especially if you're on a choir trip. The air in these buses is recirculated air... which takes away pretty much any moisture that is in the air. Not so good for a bunch of singers on a trip that requires a lot of singing.
Well, I've known that this happens for a couple of years now, which is way I tried to stay really hydrated, but I really don't think I drank enough water.
So, now my voice is pretty terrible and I'm kind of scared that I did some serious damage to it.
I'm really freaking out about it, too. There are a lot of different things that you can have happen to your vocal chords, but one of the worst is to get what are called Nodes. From what my friend Britt told me, and she should know because she's had them, they are basically caluses on your vocal chords. But in some serious cases, people have had to have them surgically removed. A girl in my choir from last year had to have that done... it was pretty scary and she could have permanently lost her singing voice.
Well, I was at my Voice lesson tonight, and when I tried to sing, my teacher was very concerned about the way my voice sounds and she told me I should really get my throat checked out.
Not only does this scare the crap out of me, but it's also bringing me down emotionally because singing is my life, my passion, pretty much my everything. I don't think it's too terribly serious, but ya just never know until you have a professional check it out.
I'm just praying that it will heal up fast and I won't have to deal with it for long because if I have to not sing for much longer, I'll probably lose it, big time. I can't stand not singing.... it's so much a part of me. It's like having a handicap for me.
Not good.
Not happy.
I want to cry.
So, pray for me and wish me luck. I need my voice back by next Monday. Solo Festival, kind of a big deal for me. I want to get a Superior.
Anyhoo.
Just needed to blog about this and get it out. Maybe I will have an Angel of music of my own to watch over me and help me through this and get it over with quickly.
Have a good night.

Love always,
The Angel of Music

Mother F......... udge?

2006-02-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

This just in... I hate migraine headaches!
They suck muy mucho!
Bleh!
I don't feel good because of a migraine headache.
I want caffine... lots of it.
I LOVE THE NEW LOOK OF MY BLOG!
Wooooo!
Yeah!
Cool!
Um.......... I have not enough brain power to blog anymore.
Peace out.

P.S. I'm going to marry the Phantom of the Opera... who is Gerard Butler... who is muy caliente!
The end.

HELLSYEAH!

2006-02-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

So, cheers to Brian for making my blog kick some serious ASS!
I LOVE IT!!!!!
Here, here! Three cheers for Brian!
I love ya man!
Um..... will blog soon.
Busy now.
Must go.
Peace out.

Yes yes y'all, I'm actually blogging on here today!

2006-02-12T10:56:00.000-08:00

K, so I pretty much NEVER blog on here anymore, mostly because I use my myspace blog almost constantly. I also use that one because I know that there are people that actually read that one.
But today, I decided to use this blog, mostly because I know hardly ANYONE reads this one, and the people that do won't freak out because of what I post. And, it's kind of personal, so I don't want the whole
world reading about it.

So, I'm posting the lyrics to a Natasha Bedingfield song called Wild Horses.
I'm posting it on here, and not on myspace, because.... well, I guess I'll explain after you read the lyrics.

Wild Horses - Natasha Bedingfield

Ooooh
I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
There's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Hmm, wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared

Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind,
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, ohwhoahh
Yeah, oh oh, ye-yeah

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and DAMN the consequences
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind,
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh

I wanna run too
Oooh oh oh oh

Recklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Telling how I feel, ooh ooh

Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind,
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Ooh ooooh ooh ooh ye-yeah yeah oohh
I wanna run with the wild horses,
ooooh

So yeah, I guess I'm posting it on here and not on myspace because, in reference to myself, that song basically says that I've got some fears that I just can't face, but I if only I could face them, and not care about the consequences. It's saying that I wish I could be free, not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. I want to be able to feel like..... like the wild horses, I guess. I want to be this unstoppable spirit, that nothing can alter, or bring down, or tame. I want to love openly and not be so afraid of being used, rejected, lied to, whatever.... I want to trust everyone,
but I have to trust myself first and trust that my heart won't stop beating at the first sign of heartbreak that it feels.

And contrary to the popular belief, just because a girl talks about being afraid to love and being afraid to have her heart broken, it doesn't always mean that it's directed towards guys and dating and stupid crap like that.
So, just so ya know, that's not what this blog is about. : )

I guess I don't want a whole bunch of people reading this because I don't want them to know that I am not a brave and care-free as I seem to be on the outside. I'm not as confident and courageous as I pretend to be.
I still have a lot that I have to work through before I am that fearless, care-free, confident person, inside and out.

That's all. Peace out.

I think I should call Sean.

2005-12-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

So, um.... stupid people really suck... especially when they attack your car with their foot.
K, so long story short (for real this time)... we were going to the mall tonight, and my brother was trying to tell these people in a car next to us that their head lights were off, and instead of them trying to see what we were saying, they had to act like they were bad asses (they were definitely asses) from the hood, and got out of their car and kicked a huge dent in our car.... MY MOM'S CAR!!! So, my brother, our friend Cody, and I all ended up spending about an hour at the Meridian police department writing out statements about what happened.
Yes, it sucked and I hope those ass-bags have to pay an ass load of money to fix the dent and the huge spot of paint that got chipped off.
ANGER!!!
And no offense to anyone that lives in the 2C license plate area, but they ALL seem to think they are all ghetto and bad asses from the hood... with their gay ass baggy clothes and idiotic attitudes. YOU'RE NOT COOL, JUST STOP ALREADY!!! You're in Idaho... not the Bronx.

Ugh! Anyhooo... I'm highly irritated tonight. I mean, why do people have to act like that. We were trying to be helpful and nice, trying to help them avoid getting a ticket or in a crash by trying to tell them that their lights were off. And in return.... WE HAVE A DENT IN OUR CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHH. I'm sooooo pissed!

Whew... okay. So, I think I need to do some relaxing stretches and then listen to some calming music. Because I'm afraid if I don't, I'm gonna go insane with anger and start breaking things. That would be very bad.

I hope your night was better than mine.

With love,
me

It's been a while...

2005-12-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

Let's start off by saying Merry one-day-late Christmas!!! I hope it was great for everyone!

Uh... here is the last month and a half in a nut shell about me:
1. After my last blog, things pretty much went down-hill for me and I ended up finally getting into some counseling. I've needed that for a long time.
2. The counselor said after our first meeting that I really should be put on anti-depressants, so we did.

3. At the Dr.'s office that prescribed the meds, the doc that checked me out also made me have blood tests done to check for Thyroid problems. I guess thyroid can really affect emotions and can cause depression, so he wanted it checked.

4. When the test results came in, the Dr.'s office called us and said the I have over-active Thyroid and that I needed to see a professional about it.... so we set up an appointment with an Endochronologist.

5. While waiting to see the specialist, my mom looked up information about Thyroid and what Dr.'s do to "cure" thyroid problems. We find out they don't cure it, they kill it with some kind of pill then put you on Thyroid medication for the rest of your life. Not cool.

6. My mom asked me what I thought about seeing a someone else about the thyroid... a naturepath. I TOTALLY agreed! I have very little faith in western medicine and my family has relied on natural ways of healing for a very long time. So we set up an appointment to see Lawrence Smith. He is amazing and really knows his stuff about herbs and health and how to be healthy. He is also the guy that people go to who are on the Zone Diet in this area. He's frikin' awesome!

7. I got on a bunch of herbal supplements and a bunch of vitamins because mostly all I needed was nutrients because I wasn't getting what I needed because of my crappy eating habits.

8. Since I've been on these supplements, I feel like a new person... it's amazing. And it's really helped me to slim down a bit and tone up... just a little though, not a whole lot. ( I have neglected it during the last few weeks because of the holidays and such... go figure.)

9. We went to the Endochronologist, and he said that my thyroid levels weren't even high enough to really worry about... they were in a perfectly normal range as far as he was concerned. But they did more tests, just to make sure. They never called us, so I'm guessing that they didn't find anything to be concerned about.

10. Now it's the holidays and I have been on break from school for just over a week now. It's been great! Christmas ROCKED! I'm doing well and I feel emotionally well. I feel happy even though there are things that could be better. But now that I've got myself to a place where I am balanced and have a little more control over my emotions, it's not so bad. Things are easier to handle.

So, I guess that a pretty big nut shell! :) Oh well, you'll survive! If you read this, thanks for taking the time, it means a lot to me!!!

If I don't blog before, have a WONDERFUL NEW YEAR!!!!!!! And let the spirit of the holidays carry all throughout the year!

Completely Incomplete. Who am I?

2005-11-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

I have no idea what to say right now. All I know is I want to let go everything that is inside of me, but I can't do that on here. I guess it's not the proper place to empty my soul. I'm screaming on the inside, but I can't let it be heard on the outside. I guess if I knew how to while being civilized about it, it would be okay, but I'm pretty sure I can't be. This is useless and it's not helping me at all, so why in the heck am I even posting a blog right now?

I can't take this anymore!!!!! I'm going crazy... literally!!!

I have to go. Later...

When everything feels like the movies, you plead just to know you're alive.

2005-10-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life could be the script for a movie. It seems soooo dramatic, yet everything turns out how it's supposed to... very out of place for reality, but I'm so thankful for it!!!!

So pretty much, I'm feeling like I'm learning how to grow up more and more every day. I faced a situation today that I didn't want to deal with and I just wanted to pretend didn't exist, but I faced it and dealt with it and worked through it so well. I'm very proud of myself and I'm proud of my guy too, because it had to do with him, and he handled it just as well. We worked through it together and got over just another speed bump in our relationship that helped us to be closer to eachother and understand eachother more. It made today such a wonderful day, it helped me realize that I can handle more than I think I can, I just have to give myself and others a chance.

And to Brian: Thanks for calling me to check on me. It means so much to me that you care enough to do that. You rock and I love that you're pretty much my Japanese brother! You make me smile lots!!!!

Other than that, I don't really know what else to talk about. I'm so happy that Mike and I are good again and that we can be together because we learn how to listen to eachother and to not yell and get frustrated with eachother. Mike is the best guy that I know, how cool is that??? I get to be with the coolest, sweetest, most nice guy I know out of any of my guy friends. YES!!!!!!! I love it!!!!!! I'm the luckiest girl in school and I wish that every girl at school could know what it's like to be treated the way that Mike treats me!!!!!! WOOT!!!!

I love you... I love me... I love everything!!!!

Right here waiting... just waiting.

2005-09-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

You look right through me everyday, you never notice my smiles and my frowns when you don't see me smile. You use me for things that are vital to you to stay socially on top, but you leave me alone at the bottom, just sitting and watching. You push me down with every chance that is presented to you, yet you expect so much from me. You never realize my feelings, you walk all over me and degrade me, you never count me in your life, you never really see me... you never really see. Were we ever friends, or is it all just lies?

When will you see that I have cared about you every second, that I have been there for you at your every whim? That I have loved you and helped you and cherished you? Did any of it even register inside of you, or is your heart of stone and ice? Can't you see what you mean to me? Can't you tell I'm begging you to see what I feel? Can't you feel the guilt inside yourself, eating away at you because you have treated me so very lowly? Can't you tell I'm screaming for you to take notice and show some compassion? When will your feelings tell you that someone that loves you has been left in the cold and lonely dark because of you? Will you ever?

Running does no good, hiding can't take the hurt away, fighting back is useless... nothing will ever reach you. But wait... if I disappear... if I'm never in your life, if one day you need me and I'm not there, will you notice then???? It is just as easy for me to not care anymore. I'm wasting my life on this, I'm just wasting away worrying about you. Life if too short for this, and I am not afraid to let you go. You've so obviously forgotten me, why not complete it and really go? Why not just never show my face in your presence ever again? It's an easy thing and can be done. I am not afraid!

But this is a fact, that nothing will change your cold and empty heart... nothing will change your ways and thoughts and feelings... you don't even have feelings. How could you? And how could you be this way? How could any one person be this way? The world is losing its blessed touch, and instead has a horrid cursing blow. We who are born here are cursed... we are all a cursed people... and the only cure is lost. Love is lost. Love is. Love. There is nothing else. Just you and me.

Where is mercy for the hurting heart? There is none found in this day.

Having one of those nights.

2005-09-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

I just can't stop thinking about Kenny this week. He's been on my mind since about last Wednesday. And tonight, I have been crying like crazy... maybe it's because this Thursday it will be 3 months since he died. And I think it's also because the very next night will be our Homecoming game, and he's not going to be there to share it with us... at least not physically. Last year at our Homecoming game was probably one of the best times we had with him. He made us all laugh sooo hard, and he let us torture him... it was so much fun! But this year, we'll all be looking at the place that we had sat, and it's going to be hard to cheer without him cheering, too. Then Saturday is our Homecoming dance, and there will be a huge empty space when we have dinner and in all the activities that we do... he won't be there. It's just really hard... but at least I have the ability to talk about it and write about it. If I didn't, I think I would rot and fester inside.

I feel so dumb for crying when I do because I know that Kenny must be shaking his head just wanting me to stop and to smile. I know for a FACT that he wants me to smile because of a dream I had that was just a little more real than a dream. I don't know if I ever said anything about this, but the Wednesday after Kenny's funeral (it was on a Monday... that Wednesday was exactly a week after he died) I had a dream, and Kenny was there, and we were in my kitchen. All he really said to me was that I needed to smile, to look at the smile on his face, and smile just like that because he had the biggest smile on his face! I knew that it was him telling me that it was time to stop hurting so much and time to let myself smile and laugh again. I knew that he was really smiling like that, it wasn't just my imagination, it was Kenny smiling at me and he had the greatest, most happy smile I've ever seen on anyone's face. How can you be sad knowing that someone is sooooo truly happy? I guess I'm not really sad, I just really miss him and I wish we could all be where he is so that we could be together... he's in such a great place, I just want to be with him... but not until it's my time.

I don't really have much else to say... I just miss him a lot this week! I want see him so bad and hug him! I don't know if I ever actually hugged him, but it's like I remember what his hug was like and I miss it. I need a Kenny hug, and maybe if I'm lucky, just maybe he'll give me one while I'm sleeping tonight. I hope so much for that.

Believe in the love you have in your heart, that is the most vital part of life and living. Through love, we all survive.

If you were a doctor, you'd ask me why I don't have a heartbeat.

2005-09-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

And I'd answer back saying, "Oh that old thing, it caused me to many emotional problems, just got rid of it!"

Yep, that would be interesting. So, guess what... shock of the world, I didn't end up going to the party last night. Surprise surprise! I don't blame Mike... but I do blame his being too nice! He was supposed to get off at 8:00, yeah, he just COULDN'T leave the people at McDonalds right at that time because they got really busy. He said he couldn't just leave them hanging like that. All I could think was, "Buddy, they've already hung themselves and put themselves in the grave by hiring shitty management!" So yeah, it was his decision to not get off when he was supposed to. So, by the time he was finally able to get to my house, it was almost 9:30. He got done working at about 8:50, had to go pick his brother up from a friends house, had to drive all the way home (kind of a drive from my house), change his clothes, then drive all the way back to my house. So yeah, we didn't go to the party. But we did get to hangout, so I'm okay.

Super fun stuff if you ask me... not. I am soooo bitter about the fact that this weekend went to complete waste. I took two days off from school for absolutely nothing, and both of those days were wasted just sitting around the house, not getting to do anything because we didn't have a car. And the same with yesterday... boring boring boring... WASTEFUL! I don't know how I'm going to get over it. This weekend, I needed to get pictures for a thing in my English class that we do... Senior Memiors. I need 5 occasions that occured this month; I've only got two. The other 3 were going to be from Idaho Falls... but not now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry people, I know I keep going on about this, but honestly, it's really scaring to a person like me. I am used to having a lot to do during the weekend, I'm used to having plans go through like they're supposed to... for the most part. So yeah, it's a sob story and I need to get over it.

Other than that, not a lot to talk about. Nothing amazing happened last night while Mike and I were hanging out. I'm almost certain that I would rather have spent the rest of the evening on my own... he was pretty grumpy from work and that's not something I like to deal with.
Oh, if you are interested in reading some of my other stupid thoughts on life... I have a blog at myspace. The url is www.myspace.com/opera_angel Just check it out... lots of fun to be had there! Anyhoo... I'm out! My mind is fried. Later!

Possessions are nothing compared to my heart and mind that you seem to think you own.

Drop a heart, break a name... story of my life!

2005-09-17T19:35:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I have calmed down a lot since last night. Still pretty bumbed out, but can't do anything about it now! Just waiting for 8:00 to role around and see if Mike will possibly be nice enough to accompany me to a my friend's b-day party that started at 7:00... it's almost 7:40 now. Hopefully Mike will be cool and just say that he'll go so that we don't have to argue about it for an hour. I would have already be gone, but like I said before, our car isn't working. And we have the Geo, but I can't drive that, and I didn't exactly want to show up at a party being dropped off. It's not that I don't like being dropped off by my parents... it could have been anyone and it would have bugged me. I Just don't want to show up at a party where everyone is younger than me and be the only one not driving themself. Yeah, I guess it's a teenager thing or something.

But yeah, if Mike goes, he can drive and I don't have to find a ride home AND we get to hangout. Good things right, and you would figure that any guy who is crazy about his girlfriend would say YES just so that he could hang out with her... yeah. SOOOO not true. I practically have to drag Mike to things like this. It wasn't even me who convinced him to go to last weekend's thing with me. His buddy Jesse had to convince him. Ohhhh! Relationships are SOOOO frikin' over-rated it's ridiculous!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I like Mike and we're totally close and most of the time it's cool being in a dating relationship with him, but honestly, I would have been okay if I never ended up getting a boyfriend over the summer. I was actually planning on staying single throughout the rest of high school, and I know I could have done it. But I just couldn't say no to Mike because he has been my best guy friend since freshman year. But yeah... it's just soooooo... I don't even know the word for it. Over-rated pretty much sums it up!

So yes, if you have a daughter who is of dating age, but you don't want her steady dating... send her to me and I'll talk her out of it! And now I must go and eat my poison dinner called McDonalds. So good, but so bad for you! YAY!

Believe it or not, you actually made me smile for a second.

Tribute! Sleepless because of crap.

2005-09-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Update on car crap: Not cool! The car didn't get fixed today, so we don't get to go to Idaho Falls, and I don't get to have a fun weekend. I just really want to blow up and swear all over the place! PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! GGGGGGAAAAAAAAA!!! Man this sucks! So not happy! Tomorrow is going to be so friking boring because we don't have a car to go anywhere with!!!

GAY GAY GAY!!!! AAAAA! I don't even know what to say right now because I am soooooo flipping angry and frustrated. I mean, I think it would have been okay, but all of my girls went out of town this weekend to Utah, and Mike is working all frikin' day! And any other friends that I have, well, we don't exactly hang out unless my friends that I do hangout with are there, but they won't be!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA!!!! Well, I guess a friend of mine from school is having her b-day party tomorrow, maybe I can make it to that. That would be cool. Hmmm... maybe my buddy Will got invited and we can go together. That would be awesome. Little shining moment of happiness. Glee! Yay!

Fhew, thank goodness for that. I was seriously going to go postal on this computer in a few seconds. I am still very hostile right now. I think I need a punching bag for times like this. That would come in very handy! Damn it! I want one now!!!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!! FILUEOaldfjakldufoaejazDJFKLJOIEMFLKDHGUKRMEDEJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA! I'm SOOOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't take it anymore! And there is sooooo much more that I would say, but there are people that could read this then tell other people about it, so I will just keep my stupid mouth shut!!!!!!! I really can't take it anymore! I'm gonna explode! Gotta go!

Yeah, pretty much!

2005-09-15T21:15:00.000-07:00

Nice, it's been how long now since I've done a blog on here? Frikin' too long! Damn my ignorance! I'll work on that!

Okgeee! (This is the way my friends and I say Okay, you say it, only basically keep the k silent, maybe add just a litte k sound in there... it's cool!)

Depressed, depressed, depressed... hate it with a passion! But I have good reason to be... stupid frikin' automobiles and their shit! I hate cars! I hate them, hate them, hate them!!!!!!! AAAAA! Just want to give them some kind of human characteristics, so that I can punch them and they will say OUCH back to me! Then I'll be like, "Damn right! Do this again, and you'll REALLY be hurting!" Ohhhhh! The ANGER! I can't take it anymore!

What is the reason for this anger you ask? Well that's easy! We had everything worked out perfectly, we had everything ready, we were going to have a GREAT weekend in Idaho Falls, BUT NO! The damn car decided to.... (please, before I continue, let me apologize for the inappropriate language I am displaying... I know it's not good, but DAMN IT, I'm mad!!!!) be a piece of crap, and not want to take the drive to Idaho Falls. It was like, "F you! I'm not going!" and so something with the Transmission is wrong or something... at least I know that the CHECK TRANS light came on. Stupid crap like that! So yeah, we ended up having to come home, and I guess there is a lot of crap wrong with our car all of the sudden. Isn't that great?

Oooo oo oo! Moment of happiness here! My boyfriend just stopped by and gave me a rose! Yay! He knew that I was upset about the car and not going to I.F. so he gave me a pretty hot-pink colored rose! I think it was also to appologize for yesterday because he got all kranky with me and made me pretty upset and he's feeling really bad now about the fact that he wasn't very nice to me. But yeah, he pretty much rocks!!! Good stuff there!

So, to conclude my blog of anger, I will now say that if things don't go better tomorrow... (better meaning, the car can be fixed easily and it will be covered by our warranty so that we don't have to spend a butt load of money so that we can go to I.F.) then I am definitely throwing something VERY breakable at the wall! It will be a wonderful sweet sound to hear something shattering... justl like my dreams of getting out of town for the weekend! Baahhh humbug!

It's moments like this that really prove... I've got a turtle in my attic that is growing larger by the minute!

This one is for all the suckers who still believe in love... and for Brian!

2005-07-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

So, that title is just the name of a song I was listening to. I have no idea if it will have anything to do with my blog. But this is for Brian because it annoys him when I take forever to post new blogs. And I'm abusing the beautiful things that he did for my blog by not posting. SOooooo.... yes. Well, I am doing pretty well this week. On Friday I had a pretty tough night; memories of Kenny just came flooding back into my heart and mind and I cried uncontrollably. It was bad. And this week has been okay. I started my Nannying job last week, and I'm taking care of these kids from 8:00 in the morning until 6:00 in the evening, so I don't really have a lot of time to be sad. But on Monday while the kids were in the family room playing, a music video came on by Martina McBride... I think the song is called God's Will. I listened to it, and there is a part where the little kid in the song gives her a picture that he drew, and on the picture I think it said "God and me love you" and the picture is of God and the little boy holding hands. And when I saw that I just starting crying... thank goodness the kids weren't in the same room, but they were close enough that they could hear me. Anyhoo.... I am doing good, but I still have my times when I will start thinking about Kenny and will cry. It's still really hard.

Some good news is that, now this is REALLY for Brian, I do have a boyfriend... I guess. We haven't really said if we are official or not, but it's pointless to say that we're not. His name is Mike and I've known him since May of my freshman year of highschool and he has pretty much been my best (guy) friend since then. And I've known for about a month that he's kinda had a thing for me since about January, but he's really shy and can be unsure about a lot of things, so of course we just flirted all the time. And then the night before my birthday he finally admitted to his feelings. And so then we became a little closer, but didn't hold hands or anything, which drove my friends Kat and Tanna insane because they knew how much he liked me and that he really wanted to hold my hand and kiss me. So, on the fourth of July, we all went to the Eagle Fireworks, and Mike and I were sitting next to eachother, and Tanna and Kat got sick of it and they were both like, "MIKE, just hold her frikin' hand already!" So we held hands the rest of the night. Then at about midnight-ish, he and I were on my door step just talking. I knew that he wanted to try to kiss me that night because he had told Kat and Tanna that he wanted to and of course they told me. So, I felt bad for him because he didn't know what to say to or do to get to the point of kissing me (this was his first kiss, yay for me!), so I finally just broke the ice and was like, "I know you wanna kiss me!" and he was like, "Yeah!" So we finally kissed. It was frikin' cool! And now we are almost inseperable, if it weren't for the fact that I work from 8 to 6, and he usually go to work at abou 5:00 and usually works close at McDonald's, so we don't really get to hangout, but I try to at least stop by McDonald's for a few minutes to say hi. I'm crazy about this guy. I mean, in a way I don't really feel any different because we've always been soooooooo close to eachother so it's about the same except that we hold hands, and cuddle and kiss. But then again, it's a lot different because I'm ALWAYS thinking about him and dieing to be with him when we're not together. It's a lot of fun! But yeah. Boyfriends are great... are ya happy now Brian??????? I'm done. Be cool, peace out!

I feel like I won't cry tonight.

2005-06-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was Kenny's funeral, and it was a very hard thing to get through. It was very well done, and we all felt a sweet spirit during the services, but yesterday just went on forever and it was still so difficult to smile.
But today has been a good day. My mom and I went and saw the movie The Perfect Man. It was a nice movie, best Hilary Duff movie yet. I loved it. I was still a little emotional, crying one second (during the movie) for no reason, then laughing like crazy. But after the movie, it was dumping rain outside, and I had to run to the car... with flip-flop's on, so I couldn't really run. Once I got in the car, I was laughing like crazy, and I couldn't feel my heart breaking anymore. It was gone, and I was happy. Then we went home really quick, and I called one of my best friends, Kat. We invited her to go to the mall, so that we could all get out of our houses and do something fun (Kat was EXTREMELY close to Kenny... almost his girlfriend). So, my mom and I picked her and her mom up, and we all went and had a girl's day at the mall. We were all laughing and smiling, and I just felt so at peace and felt like it was okay to let go and smile.
So, I'm pretty sure that tonight, for the first time since Wednesday (when he died), I won't be crying myself to sleep. I think that I will be able to go to sleep smiling and feeling that we are all going to make it through this. I'm thankful for Kenny's friendship, and for the memories we all made with him. And I'm glad that he is happy, and helping us be happy too.
Thanks to everyone for being amazing people. I'm only friends with people who have big hearts and lots of love for everyone, so if you're reading this, and you know me... then you know you're my friend and I love you. And if you don't know me, I still love you, just for being a creation of God. Peace out.

Please God, just make my heart stop hurting.

2005-06-26T00:50:00.000-07:00

So, I don't exactly know what to say. The last couple of days have been very hard to get through. I've felt like the entire world has gone from vibrant color to black, white, and gray... mostly gray. I feel like I have nothing inside of me, and I just feel like everything is moving in slow motion. Things like this only happen in the movies, at least to young people. It's not fair!
My friend Kenny Lloyd died on Wednesday, June 22, up at his High Adventure Boy Scout camp. He was on a zipline, and the wheel for the zipline somehow suddenly got stuck in the ropes, forcing Kenny to be flung off of the zipline. He fell about 15 feet, and the fall instantly killed him. It's been so hard to feel like getting up in the morning. I walk around the house all day, just wondering how my friends are doing, how his family is doing, and how any of us will ever be happy again. Kenny was such a big part of our lives. It was a big shock to all of us that someone as amazing as Kenny could be gone so fast, and without any warning. I miss him so much, and I just need some thing to do tonight because it's hard to sleep and find peace and rest when all I can think about is never seeing him again... in this life anyway. I just can't see how things will ever be good again, and I can't imagine going into the school halls this coming year... our senior year, and not having Kenny right there beside us. I've never felt my heart hurt like this before, I've never cried so much before, and I've never missed some one like this before.

Kenny, I just want to let you know that we all loved you so much, and that you meant the world to all of us. You'll always be my Goose, and I'll always let people call me Ashlee, just for you. I love you man, I can't wait until that beautiful day when we are all reunited in Heaven.

Weirded out... when does the drama end??? No more for me, please!

2005-06-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Okay people, this just in! Sources say that my life is about to go into drama-overload! I have done SOOOOOOO well to avoid having ANY boy problems since about February. Life has been GRRRREAT, not worrying about guys all the time and just doing things that make me happy, not trying to be happy to make guys happy, but just REALLY, truly happy for me, myself, and I. It's been like this perfect world where, yeah, guys are great... blah blah blah, but they're not consuming my life like all of my friends. And I have just felt so at ease and less weighed down by stupid stressfull issues like guys. It's like that's all there is to being a teenager and being in high school; if you're not involved with a guy or not crushing on a guy, or heaven forbid not THINKING about guys, then you are the SCUMB of the earth or something near that. You are a FREAK of nature if guys do not consume your every thought and action. This I have learned from my own personal experience. And even though my friends have thought that I'm INSANE, it's been a dream, not worrying sooooooo much.
But, I guess it really is a dream; too good to be true; what goes up, MUST come down... that sort of thing. Because, out of the clear blue this huge, frightening, rain drop of guy issues came down on me!!!!!!!!!! And now, I have rain clouds, lighting, thunder... all that good stuff, following me around. My conscience once again, nagging at me about this guy that wants to "hook-up" with me, that needs an answer soon, that will be hurt forever if I don't give him the right answer... this is what guy-issues do to me! It's just not fair! Right when everything seemed to be going so well, life was running sooooo smooth; the ugly face of reality came bombarding back into my life, telling me, "You can run, but you most certainly CANNOT hide." It's like the witch in The Wizard of Oz, "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!" No matter what I do, I can't escape the everyday things that an everyday teenager has to face. I have just one big question, WHY MEEEEEEEEEE??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued....

It's official, I'm a Senior and it's summer! YES!

2005-06-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, yay for surviving yet another year of school. This year seemed to last forever. And I'm happy and sad to see it go, but I still have one more year to make a lot more memories. I just can't believe that this year is over. It was like it was never going to end, and a lot of the time, I didn't want it to end. And it's even harder to believe that I am actually a Senior now. It's gonna be great trying to graduate next year. I think I will probably have about a million panic attacks before I graduate, worrying about what I'm going to do with my life after high school. Anyhoo! So, tomorrow, I get to get up early to take a shower and then go to one of my church leader's houses to go up to Cascade for a 3 day church camp. I think I'm a little more excitedonight than I have been for the last couple of days. It's just that at this camp, Legacy is what we call it, we pretty much sit through an endless amount of hours of talks, that we are forced to sit down and listen to. And there is no leaving the "talk room" unless you are very sick or something like that. So, it's like they are trying to shove the spirit of church down my throat, but then again, I volunteered for that because it was my choice to go. But there was no real point to staying home because ALL of my friends would be up at church camp, whether they are girls or guys because the guys have the Alma Academy at the same time as Legacy. So yeah, it's gonna be a struggle for me to sit through all of these talks without going crazy. But hey, they are very good talks and you do get some fun experiences while you're up there. Anyhoo! We'll see how it goes. I will just try to stay as positive as I can. It'll be cool, I'm sure. Well, I guess that's it. I don't really have any important things to talk about, just what's on my mind. Love and peace!

Our solar system is still the most amazing thing to me. Imagine what is out in our Galaxy and Beyond!

2005-05-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Whoa people, so I think that every night, everyone should take just a few minutes to step outside, at night, and look at the stars and moon. It's amazing, the things you're looking at and don't even know it. I was up on our roof tonight, right at dusk, when there was just a sliver of sunlight left in the cooling sky. I was looking at the full moon, just staring in absolute awe of the beauty it brought to our little neighborhood, and knowing that it did this for the whole world, where ever you could see the moon, it had to be beautiful. So, I was thinking about this week to come, and how stressfull it's going to be with studying and finals. So, I looked up and wished on the first star that I saw. Then I just sat there for a while, and one second, all there was that star, nothing else by it. Then I looked down and the next second when I looked back up, there was a bright star, actually planet next to it. I got all excited and wanted to know what planet it was. And being the lucky girl that I am, I raced down off of my roof, and got my 6 inch telescope out of my room, then had to have my dad take it the rest of the way out of the house. So, we're looking at this bright object in the sky, and since my telescope isn't very powerful, I figured I would never be able to know what planet I was seeing by just looking through the telescope. So, I rushed inside, and got on the internet to find a website that showed tonight's sky. I finally found one, and printed out the sky chart. I grabbed a flash light and a compass, and my dad, then we went and tried to figure out what we were looking at. That took us maybe 15 to 20 minutes, and we still weren't quite sure what it was, but we had a pretty good idea that it was Jupiter. It was hard for me to believe it was Jupiter, since I couldn't see anything other than a bright light, and last summer I had found Jupiter, and it seemed to have been farther away, and I was able to see it's stripes or rings, and four biggest moons then, and at first tonight I couldn't. So, after maybe 25 or 30 minutes, I looked into my telescope again, and my heart jumped with joy! I guess all I needed to have was a little patience for some time to pass, because now I could see Jupiter's stripes and the four moons! I was jumping up and down because I was so excited to see it again. Almost like reuniting with an old friend that you hadn't seen in a year. It was absolutely beautiful, stunning, heavenly, peaceful, silent. And looking through the telescope made it seem like I could reach out and touch it, which was a very sad and lonely feeling. Thank goodness I had my dad, mom, and brother out there with me, or I might have cried. But it for some reason inspired me to write on here, again, after such a long time of not knowing what to say or how to feel. I've missed being able to write on here, and thanks to the beautiful wonders of our universe, I can blog again. Weird, huh? But hey, what ever the cure is, at least it's a cure! Well, I gotta go, it's way late! Find outer beauty, and you will find inner peace!

Hey hey everybody!

2005-04-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

YO! So, it's been a frikin' LONG time since I've posted on my blog, but I just haven't felt like I had anything to blog about. I still don't, but I was feeling guilty that Brian made my blog look so awesome and did all this work to make it so, and I have neglected to use it since then!
So, I guess there are about two or three things I can tell about.
First thing. One of my best buddies, Brandon, is moving to California for the summer. Now, I am totally stoked for him and I'm so happy that he gets to have this experience, but it is really getting me down the more I think about it. At first he told me that he decided he wasn't going to go because the place he had been working at was working out really well for him. And when he told me he wasn't going to go, I was kinda like, ARE YOU CRAZY?!!! Who would pass up an opportunity to spend a whole summer in Cali? But then I was glad because I would get to hang out with him during the summer, seeing that this will be my last summer as a high school student. But just a couple of days ago, we were talking on Yahoo IM, and he was just like, out of the blue, "I LEAVE ON FRIDAY! (this coming Friday, the 22nd)," and I didn't know what the heck he was talking about. So, when he said that he was leaving for Cali, I seriously almost started crying, mostly because he had known for TWO WEEKS and didn't even tell me. So now, I only have a week to see him before he's gone, and knowing him, he'll forget to e-mail me or even call me once in a while. I feel really weird, having to say good bye to him for that long, and when he comes back, it's gonna be really weird because he'll have experienced a whole different life in Cali, and I'll still be his little sheltered friend that's barely seen anything outside of Idaho. So, pretty much, Kudos to him and I hope he has fun, but gosh dang it, THIS SUCKS!
Then the other things is, and I won't take that long to say it, but another one of my really good guy friends, that has actually been more like a best friend since we were in 9th grade, moved. He still lives in Eagle, but when we first became friends, he was just around the corner, then he moved to some apartments that are about a minute away from my house. Now he's moved to a house that is about a 10 to 15 minute drive, depending on the traffic or on which way I go to get to his house. Now, it wouldn't really be bugging me, except that now that he has moved, he won't go to the same Ward as I do for church. He might go for a little while longer, but then he's probably going to meet the kids in his new Ward so that he can start going there. I'm just afraid that I'll be replaced my someone in his new Ward. As it is now, we don't really talk that much anyway because he's ALWAYS working, every single day except for Sundays, and we don't really talk at school because everyone else around us are constantly talking (this is at lunch).
I am so afraid to lose either one of my guys to other people, because it seems to happen WAY too much to me.
Anyhoo! Enough of my whining about stuff that I shouldn't be worring about. At least I've made up for the time it's taken me to blog. Love to all!
Peace out!

PIMPT!

2005-04-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Your blog has

OFFICIALLY

been
PIMPT by the JIZR!!
W00T!

2005-03-31T22:03:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. In the last week to a week in a half, my family has felt a sadness that I don't think we've ever really experienced before. At least, I know I've never felt such a sorrow as this and it is difficult to express it in a way that I wouldn't be offending or something.
Um... our good friend Brian, who is more like a brother to me and my brothers and another son to my parents, has a friend (as far as I know still has) that is fighting a huge war against Cancer. She went into a coma because of it, and is now fighting for her life, as far as I know. She had come out of the coma just a day or so ago, I cannot remember, and there was this great and brilliant shinning hope in all of our hearts. We were all rejoycing in the good news that she had woken up and actually tried to reach out for a stuffed animal that was in her hospital room.

Good news, I just found out she is still fighting, wait to go LJ! Our prayers and our hearts go out to you and to my brother!

So, it has been really tough for my family, even though we have never even met her. But it is because it has been so brutally hard on Brian, so our hearts have been hurting for Brian. I've never known what it's like to love someone so much that I've never ever met, or even heard her voice. I've seen a few pictures of her, but that's all, and she has captured our hearts through Brian.

Brian, our faith and prayers are stronger than ever, and even though I may not be able to express my feelings and heart as well as my brother Phillip and my mom can, I just want Brian to know that what is in my heart is pure love and faith and hope for him and LJ. I have cried quite a bit now, for you both, and I am trying more than ever to be the young woman that you believe is in me. I love you and I am doing all that I can on my part to help LJ fight the fight, so that she can come out with a BIG WIN! I love you both!
hope that none of this was inappropriate to mention at this time. If it is, please let me know and I will remove it at once! I just wanted to send out my love and thoughts as many others have already done!
To everyone in my life, I love you, all of you. Every single person that is in my life has a piece of my heart, a special spot for each and every one of you. Never forget what love is. Love is pure; it is unconditional; it is the thread that was woven to make life possible; love is never ending and is always in full, even if you feel it is empty in you, you will always find it full in another's heart; love will never abandon you, even if you forget about it and shut it out. That's what my love is to everyone in my life and to the people that are yet to be in my life. Thank you for being! You are amazing! I love you!

Emily

It's Spring Break, go figure that it's raining.

2005-03-19T14:50:00.000-08:00

SOOOO, Spring Break is here at last! But of course, the first day we have of freedom, it's rainging and it's cold. Which also kinda stinks because our friend Bill is here from Jerome today to work on my car, but since it's rainging, we can't pull it out of the carport from him to work on.
That brings me to my next no-so-happy-thing.
There is A TON more things wrong with my car than what the people that gave it to us let on. Of course, that's probably why they gave it to us for free. Right now, I can list off a few things that are wrong, but I don't know everything because I don't know much about cars:
1. No battery!
2. Missing the black ground wire that hooks up to the battery
3. One wire is fried and we don't know what it goes to
4. The air-cleaner thing is missing and it was supposed to be there.
5. Then there is the thing that was supposed to be the only thing that needed fixing, we need to put a new transmition seal (what ever that means) in or on or however you fix a transmition seal.
6. Needs two new door handles on both front doors
7. The hatch door on the back needs a new handle or something. It doesn't look like it opens.
8. The front bumper, I just noticed today, is all cracked up and messed up.
I think that that's all that they mentioned while I was out looking at the car with my mom, dad, and Bill. I got all sad and stuff because now it seems like it will never run. I don't think it will be running for a long while, when we were hoping to have it fixed and running by the time Spring Break was over. Or at least that's what I thought the plan was. Thank goodness we didn't pay a single penny to have this car because it's probably going to take a butt-load of money to get it working. Not suprising!
So, now I am in the house, contemplating the next thing to do, which is going to be for me to go in my room and finish taking stuff down off of my walls so that we can get furniture out of my room, so that we can start painting soon. But don't worry, I am still in a cheery mood, just a little discouraged, but not torn down! Things will work out, I know it. I fought hard to get my car, so darn it, it's gonna work and it's gonna run like a dream when we're finished with it! Exedor will come back to life! And when he does, I'm gonna scream, "IT'S ALIVVVVEEE! IT'S ALIIIIIVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!"
May Exedor rest in peace until it's resurection!

I found a much more positive way of thinking.

2005-03-13T17:40:00.000-08:00

So, I pretty much feel really horrible to have said those rude things about that judge. I found it in my heart that maybe I wasn't being judged unfairly.
At my last voice lesson that I had on Thursday, I was talking to my teacher about all of it, and how unfair I thought it was that I had gotten such a low rating compared to everyone else. And I was going on with all my rants and raves about it, then we moved onto my lesson. But as I was getting ready to leave, my teacher was like, "Just keep your head up, ya know. I mean, I mad too. So just don't let it get you down." Then, when I heard her say she was mad, all of a sudden I knew I wasn't mad, at all. And a really great feeling came to me, and I said to her, "Ya know, maybe we shouldn't be mad. Maybe the 3 of us that got the Excellent ratings were luckier than the rest that got Supierior ratings. (My teacher had said earlier that she just thought it was weird that so many people has gotten Supieriors, so maybe the judges has just been too easy on them.) Because you said it was weird that they judged so easily, well maybe we're lucky that our Judge didn't. Maybe she actually cared enough to try and give us something to work off, while the other judges just didn't care, so everyone else got Supieriors that didn't really have a lot of heart and care behind them."
So, now feel so much better and much more confident about my singing because that Judge did the right thing, and really paid attetion to what I was doing. She actually JUDGED and cared about what I was doing, instead of just pretending to care, just so she could get through it fast without having to do her job. I am really greatful for having the judge that I did because she gave me something to grow off, she left plenty of room for improvement, and showed honesty instead of filling my head with thoughts that I was SUPER awesome and that I didn't ever have to worry about my singing. She actually prepared me for things that I will be in, in the future, like during college and stuff that I will have to be absolutely perfect to get a not-so-perfect rating.
SO, there you have it. I am not just some head-strong, self-centered, angry teenager that can't handle the truth. Sure, it make take me a day or two to fully understand why things happen the way they do, but I'm always looking for the right answer and don't give up until I find it. I'm not going to be satisfied with the one that I think up on my own that leaves me angry and cold hearted towards others. That's just not me. Thank goodness!
Peace brings us closer together!

Curse that STUPID judge, she doesn't know anything!

2005-03-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

K, SO!!!!! Solo Fest. did not go so well with the whole "getting judged" and crap! I got, now prepare yourself for a complete disappointment, but I got an Excellent, NOT superior! And I got 1.5 above the lowest rating for Excellent. I got a 26.5. Now, I have been cool, calm, and collected about all of this, but really, I KNOW I, as well as the other two girls that got Excellents, deserved a superior. And this can't just be coincidence, but out of the 50 people from our school that were involved in Solo Fest., only 3 of us got an Excellent rating, and each of us had the same judge, no one else had her, I think. So, yeah. I just think we got screwed up the you-know-what with all that. So, it was pretty gay, and I know I'm good, so she can kiss my @$$! WOOT!

Anyhoo! Enough with the negative crap. I've moved on, and I still have next year to shove it in her face if she comes back (I pray she doesn't). On a happier note, I'm happy. I guess that's the only happy thing I can think of is the fact that I'm happy. Mmmm hmmm... right. Um... oh, Brian and Jenn AND Jordan are here! SUPER! I was all surprised when I saw Jordan walking into the house (Brian's son). That's another really happy thing. And Brian is fixing our computer so that gay people's crap on the internet can't give us Virus' any more. Happy Happy Happy. Um... well, I guess I should get working on my homework, or finishing it up. Love and peace!

Update on Performance Days and Dates!

2005-03-04T13:36:00.000-08:00

Hey hey ya'll! Just a quick update to inform anyone who cares about days, dates, and times that I will be doing performances.

March 7th: 1:10 p.m. Eagle High Auditorium
March 12th: I think it's at 6:00 p.m. or around there. State St. LDS church building.
April 2nd: It's usually 6:00 (p.m.). Idaho Steelheads Building! YAY!

Okay. Some people were just wondering what some of the dates were.
I'm sooooo excited to be doing the National Anthem again for the Steelheads hockey game! This will be my 3rd year in a row singing for Fire Prevention Night! I don't know if I've already mentioned all of this, so sorry if I'm repeating myself. I just can't wait! I know I will be so much better than I was last year. I felt like last year was total disaster, but my choir teacher was there, so I was really nervous. Anyhoo! I am just so stoked about everything... except for this coming up Monday. I really hope that I do AWESOME so that the judges will give me a Supierior rating. I can't believe how nervous I am for this! Oh well.
K, I have 6 minutes until it's time to go home (I'm at school, again!) Sorry if I don't blog for a while. Our internet is ALLLLL screwed up, so I don't know when that will be up and running again.
Peace out 'till then!

Don't want to go to school... must have more weekend.

2005-02-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

Oy vay, I can't stand the thought of Monday mornings. I am dying for Spring Break to get here! 3 weeks! I can't believe I have to wait 3 weeks!
Anyhoo!
I had a fun weekend, and now I don't want to let go of it. It's not like I did a whole lot, it was just nice. Does anyone else ever get that way? Even if your weekend isn't they most exciting time you've ever had, is it hard for you to let go of it just because it was nice? I do that a lot.
Well, I just wanted to talk about what I'm doing right now for my singing. I am preparing a song for March 7th, which is the day of Solo Festival held at my school. The song I will be singing is a German piece called Bist Du Bei Mir, and oh boy has it been challenging! This is the hardest song I've had to learn so far, just because of the language. The score isn't all that tough, but getting the language down has been a beast. So, I am doing that, and hoping that I will make State Competition.
Then our chuch is having a "Variety Show" on March 12th, and I will be singing two songs that night. Then, I think it is April 7th, is the night that I will be performing the Star Spangled Banner for the Idaho Steelheads Hockey team. That night is Fire Prevention night, hosted by the Boise Fire Dept. that my dad is part of. This will be my 3rd year in a row singing for this night! I'm so so so so so very excited about it! I'm excited about all the performances I will be doing.
I am also excited to say that I finally found some college that I may be elligable to attend. They are Music schools, actually Music Conservatories. I was upset about the fact that I couldn't find any music school listed on the internet, so I figured there weren't any, except Julliard, which I will never be able to attend. But I realized, after reading an advertizement for the Pacific Music Conservatory, that they don't call music school Universities or colleges. So, I did a search for music conservatories, and I have found many. I'm so happy, because now I have restored hope that I will be able to attend college and Major in a Voice area. I'm going to go into our Career Center at my school this week, and have the lady there help me get the information I need to know what to do to apply to some of these schools!
Well, I guess that is about it. I just wanted to do a little update, since I never really talk about anything important on my Blog.
Gotta get to bed! Good night, dream in peace!

Sweet Idea!

2005-02-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hey! So, I have discovered these awesome words for a song. The only problem is that the score for the song isn't mine. It's this sweet sounding, dark, almost Evenacense (don't know how to spell) sound going on. It's an awesome composition, too bad I didn't come up with it. But the words I worked out are freakin' sweet! And I need to write it all down somewhere before I forget.
Um... now I don't know what to talk about. I thought I would have a lot more to say about the song thing, but I guess that was it.
Well, I am speachless now, or topicless. That's it. Peace out!

Why meeeee????

2005-02-15T18:10:00.000-08:00

So, I really hate my body and what it's doing to me! I do NOT want to be sick like this again!
I think my strep-throat is coming back, and I feel like crap right now. And I probably should go to the hosiptal to have them test me for strep again, but I really don't want to. I should, but ya know, needles aren't all that fun!
So, I woke up this morning at about 2:30 a.m. and I thought I was just cold and so I was shivering. But then I started to feel nauseated, and I started to get really bad body aches, and eventually I started to get a fever. Sadly, the reason I had chills was not because I was cold. Then, of course, I start thinking maybe it was just a false alarm because I'm feeling a little better later on in the day. But now that the Aleve that I took is wearing off, I am starting to hurt again. And now I'm thinking that if I do go to the hosiptal, we could stop it sooner, and save me the suffering of feeling like death is better than living while I'm sick.
Anyhoo! I just talked to my mom and she said it would probably be best to go up to the hospital to get tested again. So, I need to go get dressed since I've been in my pajamas all day, ya know, being sick and all. Wish me luck... that I won't experience too much pain while they put the needle in my arm AGAIN! Oy vay! I wish that I could just wake up and have this all be a bad dream. Gotta go... all we need is peace!

Sick and Tired of Hurting.

2005-02-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

So uh, pretty much I feel like my whole world is coming down around me all of the sudden.
I don't know why it had to happen or how it started to, but I had everything in this wonderful balance, but now it's all falling apart. I was so happy, and so content with how my life was going. I felt like nothing could bring me down, even if once in a while I had one thing I was upset about. I felt like for once in my life, everything was coming together; I was getting the respect I deserve (at least I thought it was respect), I was motivate to not procrastinate with school work, I was motivate to take better care of my physical self, and I was inspired to start working harder towards my future goals. But since the last couple of day, maybe the last 5 days to a week, I all of the sudden have lost my balance, which by the way, I was promised by a certain person that they would be there to catch me if I fall, and now they're turning from me, and I'm falling flat on my face.
This depression I'm going through is partly due to feelings I was trying to avoid with this person, I'll name him Nemo for privacy and to save myself the embarrassment I would get if other certain people new his real name.
Sooooo, I guess, in a nut shell, I knew better than to let myself like him, no matter how convincing he was that he seemed to like me. And I told myself everyday that I cannot like him and I wouldn't like him because I KNEW I would get hurt. But I'm just a stupid girl, and sometimes it's easier to just let things flow and stop fighting with yourself. So, I guess that's what ended up happening. I just felt like I had someone to lean on and to go to for cheering up. I felt safe and secure with him, and I thought I really saw myself in his eyes, at least once. I thought he really got me, and understood me even though we pretty much only know each other a half an inch past the surface. But I don't know. Everything just seemed okay with him and I was really happy. I had confidence, knowing that for some reason, this amazing guy was holding me... just me. But like I said, I knew I'd get hurt, so here I am. Pouring my heart out on an internet website. Some would say that's desperate because you can be noticed by millions on the internet if you really want to. But they can say what they want, I'm not desperate for attention, I'm desperate to find a way to not hurt anymore.
So, I will try, starting this second, to learn how to only let this feelings be on the surface. I do not want to get involved with any guy, for the rest of this year, all of next year, and at least the first year that I am in college. I have better things to do with my life and my heart than let some guy get to me like this. Excuse the language, but I'm going to just be a cold, hard bitch on the inside when it comes to guys trying to get close to me. I don't need them to make me happy! HA! I win!
Keeping the peace one day at a time!

I miss Idaho Falls already!!!!!!!!

2005-02-07T18:30:00.000-08:00

Hello mates! How are ya? I hope ya'll are doin' well!
So, the weekend we just got done with was soooooooooooooooo great, and I am so depressed and pissed off that it is over. I went to school today, and I was so depressed and unhappy, and I didn't feel good, and all I wanted to do was scream and cry because I wanted to still be in IF with Laura and everyone. I had the best time just kickin' it with Laura. I mean, we have never really had a weekend that was just for us to spend together, so if was freakin' awesome, and now I'm depressed because I want to still be there. I mean, we hardly did anything at all, but that was totally fine because we spent a lot of quality time just sitting in Laura's room talking and laughing and crying about stuff, it was so nice. I just wish it wasn't over.
Then we got to go see Matt and Jenn, which freakin' rocked! We had sooooo much fun just talking and laughing with each other. Then everyone wanted me to sing some of my songs that I've learned while taking Voice lessons. Jenn recorded me on a digital camera, and I thought I sounded horrible when I watched it. Well, I sounded horrible on certain parts of the songs. But that's how it is, since I know exactly how it's supposed to sound, I picked out every single note that was flat or sharp, or just completely wrong. I felt sick just listening to myself. But it was worth it because everyone was happy and stuff, so that was a good time! Thanks Jenn and Matt for the game and the pretzels!
It was also my Grandma's B-day on Saturday, so we had a little celebration for her. I had a good time talking to my Grandma and Grandpa about stuff, like when the grew up during WWII, and my Grandpa telling me stories he'd learned about the authors C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolken. They are so much fun to just sit and listen to.
Anyhoo! The point is, my weekend rocked and it's not fair that it's over! I want it back! I feel bad that I was such an unhappy person today at school, but it just didn't seem like I was supposed to be there, so I was really unhappy that I had to be.
Well, that's it for the time being. I have to check out some movie times for Saturday night for... guess which movie... you got it, The Phantom of the Opera! This will be my 5th time seeing it, but we are going because one of our buddies that is a guy just turned 16 today, so instead of wasting our money going to a pointless Sweethearts Ball, that all you do is stand around and listen to the music, we decided we'd do something fun AND cheap! So, I'm totally psyched about that! Gotta get going! Peaces of me! (the song! LOL)

I'm innocent, so back off!!!!!!

2005-02-02T17:50:00.000-08:00

Dear blogpeople,
Sup? Why is it that because I am a nice person, someone always ends up hating me? What is WRONG with the world? I mean, just because someone thinks I'm nice and a good person to hang out with, doesn't give anyone a right to hate me, especially if they've never even met me!
So, I went to go visit a friend of mine at his job today. He was my boyfriend in 7th grade, and we've stayed "friends" ever since then, except that after today, I pretty much get the feeling that he doesn't want anything to do with me. Well, I think the other girl waiting to talk to him was his girlfriend, that just happens to absolutely hate my guts and wants me to die (even though she's never met me and I've never met her) all because my friend's mom really likes me and has since I met her back when I was 13 years old. So, while we're waiting to talk to my friend, all she can do is glare at me, and I'm pretty sure she was bad-mouthing me to another guy that works there. Then when my friend came out, she gave me a look that if she could kill me, I'm sure she wouldn't have hesitated a single moment. So, I had to make up an excuse saying that my mom pretty much made me go say hi to him, just so that he wouldn't get all mad at me, and maybe she'd get over herself a little bit. But it was just stupid because she has nothing to worry about between my friend and me, especially after tonight. All I got from him was a little tap on the shoulder, not a hug. But what ev! If he's going to a pussy, I could care less. Well, that's really all I have to say. See ya later, Peace be unto you!

Something to do with nothing.

2005-01-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

So, I don't have a real reason to be posting right now except that I just feel like it. I feel like I've got a million things on my mind right now and I don't know what to do or say to get them cleared up. So if I seem to just be rambling about nothing, then you know why.
So, I just found out like, maybe a couple of days ago, that Gerard Butler (okay, before I finish this sentance, I want to let anyone that smokes know that I really have nothing against you, and I am NOT trying to diss or get down on smokers. I'm sure that if you do smoke, you are completely aware that it is a terrible health risk, and I understand completely that it is your decision what you do with your body.) is a smoker. I can't believe it though! I mean, if you are an athlete, a singer, an actor, someone who does a lot of public speaking... you do not smoke because smoking ruins your voice. Well, I just assumed that since Gerard Butler has such an amazing singing voice, and a very sultry speaking voice, an amazing athletic build, and a very pearly white smile, that he couldn't possibly be unhealthy in any way. Man, I guess I was fooled. I mean, it totally wouldn't bother me if it was just some normal actor that isn't as multi-talented as Gerard, but for him to do something that is such a risk to all of his amazing talents, it just blew me away. Really, I think the reason that it got to me so bad was because I really started to look up to him as an inspiration to want to be as talented as he is. And now I don't find him as hot as I thought he was. I also was wondering, before I found out about all of this, why he didn't look as young as he is, and now I'm guessing that it is from the effects of smoking. Aaaaaa, it just kills me to know that he is just throwing away his voice for something like that.
Anyhoo! I'm so so so so so so sorry if anyone is offened by that. I really don't mean to be rude. It's just my opinion, that in the real world, means absolutely nothing, so don't even take it to heart, please!
Well, on a happier note (ha, note... that ironic because of what I'm going to talk about...) I just turned in my audition form for Solo Festival that is held at my high school. It is to determine who gets to go to State Solo Festival and, I guess, compete against other singers from High Schoolers all over the state. I had to go get my new song book with the song I am going to sing. It is call "Bist Du Bei Mir" by Bach. I am really excited to start learning it when I go to my next voice lesson! Yay! I really hope that I do good enough to get into State Solo. That would be awesome! I'm not going to get my hopes up though, because if I don't make it this year, I can still make it next year, and by this time next year, I will be a much better singer than I am now. It would still be cool to make state though, as a Junior. Along with the music thing, I don't know if I already mentioned this, but I am going to call a man that works for Opera Idaho and see if I can get an audition to be in the Opera Chorus. I am really excited about that, but I haven't made the phone call because I don't know what to say, so I'm going to talk to my friend's dad, who makes a living basically by calling complete strangers on the phone and talking to them, and ask him what I should say so that I sound a little more professional about it. I just want to make a good first impression, even over the phone. Well, I guess that's all for now. Take it easy, and don't party unless I'm there. Blog in heavenly peace!

I'm at school!

2005-01-28T14:40:00.000-08:00

Greetings from me at while I'm at school. This is pretty cool, because I never blog anywhere else except home. This will probably be really short, but I got done with my assignment about 30 minutes early, and I just figured out that we could get on the internet. So, that's cool. Um... yeah.

Today has been really good at school just because I haven't had to do a lot of work or anything, and because it's FINALLY Friday. Woot! Oh, and I realized today that I have been spelling "finally" wrong for a while now. I used to spell it correctly, but something get messed up in my brain, I guess. Anyhoo. That was completely random, but that's okay because I am just a random type of person. And we have 7 minutes left until the bell rings to go home... 6 minutes now.
I can't wait to get home and kick it until I go babysitting. Ohhh, I'm so excited to see those kids again. I haven't seen this family since before Christmas because the went to California for a good long while during the Holidays. And they just got done moving into their new house this week, so now I get to go see them and the new house. I bet that it feels really nice for them because while they were waiting for their house to be built, they lived in this tiny cramped apartment. Anyhoo, I'm really excited for that and I am looking forward to hanging with the kiddies while their parents take a break and spend some quality time together. And the biggest thing you get out of it... can you say MONEY???? Oh yeah! Well, I have got 3 minutes left, so I gotta get going. Peace out for now!

Just stuff; me, music... Gerard Butler.

2005-01-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

Hey there to all my beautiful and adoring fans! The wait is over, you no longer need to fret about when you get to read my next post, because here it is!
Sooooo, I don't really have a lot to talk about. I am just trying to find something to keep myself occupied so that I don't bother anyone by my pacing of the house. So, I guess I will just talk about random stuff that has no point of being talked about.
Well, last night, my friend Tanna and I both sang the National Anthem at the high school for the wrestling match going on, and we ROCKED! So many people were giving us compliments as we were walking out of the game to get to our Mutual activity. But we sounded soooooooooooo AWESOME! So, that was cool! After that we went to the church activity where we met up with some of our friends. We are doing a dance festival in April or May with all of the youth, so we were having our weekly practice last night. The whole time I was there, I danced with my buddy Andy, even though we were supposed to switch partners, neither of us wanted to go dance with anyone else, so we made people skip us. That was fun! He is like, one of the coolest guys I know, and one of my best friends. Then he took me home from the church just so I could ride in his Dad's Charger. Frikin' SWEET car! So, that was really awesome and we had a really fun time hanging out together, as we always do. So, even though I doubt it will happen, Andy, if you read this, YOU ROCK MY WORLD! Hahahaha!

Then today, I FINALY had my sining lesson. I didn't get to go last week because of having my wisdom teeth pulled, so I have been counting down the seconds for today's lesson. I think it went pretty well. I am working on getting my muscles to work right so that I can sing without stressing my throat. I am really wanting to work hard on getting my range a lot higher, and today while I was working on a song, a note was too high and I just couldn't hit it, which frustrated me because it doesn't seem like it's very high at all. So, my muscles in my throat started to hurt, so we stopped and I just talked to my teacher about how I've finally decided what kind of singing I want to do as a profession, and what we needed to work on to get me to that point so that I can study it in college and actually do it as my career. And I know I already said in my last blog, but I have decided that I want to be a professional Opera singer. So, she talked to me about that, and told me about the Opera Idaho place here in Boise that I had no idea about. She said that they are always looking for people for the Opera Chorus. So, she gave me a phone number to contact a guy that can tell me if and how I can be in the Opera Chorus. I'm soooo excited about making that phone call! I hope, I hope, I hope I can do this because I think that it will be a start to getting some kind of recognition and experience "under my belt."
Last, but most certainly not least, I would like to take a moment to talk about Gerard Butler... *sigh* I was reading a magazine article that was on GerardButler.net and it said that he is only 34 years old. I just thought that was interesting because I thought he was like 36 or 37. Useless piece of information, I know. But I'm a fanatic now, and when you're a huge fan of someone, you can't help but say stuff about them that has no meaning to anyone that hears or reads about it. (In my opinion, everyone needs to realize that Gerard is an AMAZING actor and singer, so everyone should start to pay more attention to the movies he has been in and will be in!) :) But uh, yeah. That's pretty much it. I guess I just said that to fix my mistake about his age. Unless the magazine article was wrong. I dunno!
Well, the evening is coming to a close. I need to make some phone calls before 9:00, then turn in for the night so that I can be rested enough to face my 4:45 a.m. wake up call of the alarm clock. Until next blog, remember who you are and what you stand for. Keep the peace alive!

I can stop day-dreaming... aaaaa!

2005-01-26T14:25:00.000-08:00

Hello hello (hola! A little place called Vertigo!) That's a freakin' sweet song! Anyhoo! So, I guess things are better with my friends and everything, although I don't think that they even realized there was anything wrong. But of course, I always learn to put it behind me and move on without saying a word. I still need to call one of them and tell them how sorry I am about how things went for him. *Humph*
Anyhoo! I want to talk about something happy to make up for my last blog, it was so sad because I was REALLY sad. But now I am not, so I must do my best to bring the sunshine back to my blog!
Well, like the title says, I CAN'T STOP DAY-DREAMING! All I ever seem to think about is how badly I want to be an Opera singer, and someday meet Emmy Rossum because she is my idol! And then some how meet Gerard Butler! I mean, he is absolutely gorgeous, and like I've said before, his singing makes me melt, and he's such a charismatic actor! There is a part in the second Tomb Raider movie where his character Terri is talking to Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) about how she felt about him, and she says something like, "I used to find you charming." Then he gets this really hot smile/smirk on his face and says, "I am charming." And I'm sure it's true about him in real life! I just want to meet him soooooo bad! It's nice listening to his accent on the movie, but if I could hear him talk to me in real life, oh man, I would be in heaven! I can't get over his Scottish accent, and his green eyes! Too bad I'm like, a kid, and he's like 36 or 37 years old. But that's what I've been day dreaming about for the last week in a half. And I had to let it out.
Now I just need to go see the Phantom of the Opera one more time, and I think that will hold me over until it comes out on video. I really hope they don't wait until fall or something to release it! That would be so uncool! WAY uncool! Well, I guess that's it. I gotta get going. I need to go pick up my friend from school and give her a ride home because I went home early today. Yay for being able to come home and rest for a little bit! See ya later! Oh, and wish me and my friend Tanna luck. We're supposed to sing the National Anthem for the Wrestling match tonight! I hope we do good since we haven't practiced one single time! Peaceky weasky!

I need to find my own voice...

2005-01-23T14:40:00.000-08:00

Hello dear friends. How are you on this lovely Sunday afternoon? I hope all is well. I hope that you are healthy, happy, and at peace in your lives.
If only I could feel peaceful and truly happy, but reality destroys all of that hopefulness within me. Today I wonder what I will do this time to tell myself that everything will be okay and that I will find that tomorrow will be full of wonderful feelings and complete happiness. But I can find no words, no feelings of comfort to help me understand why we have to hurt one another, why we have to say things that wound the spirit and put friendships in jeapordy.
Why do the people we love so dearly turn their backs on us when we need them the most? And why can't I find it within myself to stop people from saying the things they say? I wish that I could just scream at someone when they are causing conflict! But I'm so weak and I let everyone else speak for me, as if I have no mind, no control of my thoughts, as if I have no thoughts. I hate being treated like a child when I act more adult than most of the people that talk down to me.
I have a headache, a heartache, and an emptiness in my soul today because I was not able to say what I felt, because I knew if I did, it would just make everything worse. I feel like, in trying to find a way to spend time with friends and have an enjoyable night out together, I just planned the worst night that could possibly happen. If it had been anyone else that had planned the night out, everyone would have gotten along and had a good time, but when I try to do something good, it's like some unseen enemy throws it back in my face by making it terrible. Then I am the one that is to blame because it was all my idea. Why does this always have to happen?
I thought I could trust my friends, that they would know how to be pleasant and kind to one another, but I was wrong to trust. I always am. I think I am doing something right, but it's always wrong! I feel so lost now, just because of one stupid night, because of one STUPID idea, because I just wanted to be surrounded by the people I love and wanted them to know how much I love them. But I'm always wrong in what I do, no matter what my intentions are.
Maybe someday I will find my voice and be able to tell them that all I wanted was for all of them to realize how much I respected them, and that is why I thought everything would be okay. Maybe I will find the voice I need to tell them that what they thought I was thinking was wrong, and they will know where I stand! I hope for that, very soon.

I GOT THE SOUNDTRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-01-20T17:30:00.000-08:00

WOOOOOOOOOOOT! Yeah baby! Who has The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack? I DO! THAT'S RIGHT BABY! YEAAAAH! AHHH-HHHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES YES YES! Ohhhhhh I LOVE IT! Yay yay yay yay! I'm soooo happy! Now all I need is the movie to come out on DVD and then to get married to Gerard Butler so that he can sing to me when ever I want him to! LOL! Just letting you know, if you haven't seen the movie yet, YOU NEED TO DO IT NOW! I am absolutely in love with the music, the movie, the EVERYTHING! And I don't care who knows it! I haven't been this happy since the night before Monday! (If you don't know, that is when I had my wisdom teeth pulled) Oh man, seriously people, The Phantom is honestly the greatest thing to ever hit the big screen! Of course, everyone will say, "WHAT!", and then want to slap me because everyone is obsessed with LOTR. But The Phantom is even better than that, oh yeah! So, I guess all I really wanted to say was how happy I am to finally have the soundtrack to the movie! I am going to listen to it ALL the time! Gotta go, the music is calling my name...Emily! BYE!

Who loves the Phantom of the Opera... I DOOOO!!!!!!!

2005-01-19T15:35:00.000-08:00

I can't hold it in any more! I LOVE THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! And I am absolutely dieing to get the soundtrack, but of course both of the Wal-Marts I went to didn't have any copies. I wish I had money of my own so that I could just go over to Best Buy or somewhere that would actually have the soundtrack, and buy it RIGHT NOW! It's driving me crazy because I have to hear Gerard Butler's voice again! He is such an abolutely fabulous singer and I can't get enough of it! I found out some pretty cool stuff about him, like the fact that he's Scottish! And oh boy is his accent HOT! He is magically babe-alicious!
Um... anyhoo! I just thought that everyone should know that. Lol. Yeah...
So, today is the third day since I have had my wisdom teeth pulled and today has been the worst day for pain. I mean, it's hurts to talk, to swallow, to move my tongue or cheeks at all. So, right now I look like I'm all ticked-off and stuff, but really I just can't smile all that much. And I don't want to take any Vikaden right now because I don't want to be all sleepy. But I really want this pain to go AWAY! And the only way I can get my thoughts out right now is to do my blog. But my thoughts are all mixed up and cluttered because I am trying to ignore the pain and think of things that will distract me. Oy vay!
Well, I guess that's all for now. I don't know what else to talk about. Love, peace, and hamburger grease!

Yay for not being in tons'o pain!

2005-01-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

Woot! Okay people, it's official, I am SOOOO glad that I will never have to have my wisdom teeth pulled ever again! I'm not in a lot of pain, compared to other people who had early appointments like me and had to go all day hopped up on Vikaden. Me, nah! I just barley took a presription Ibprofen, and that's all I have taken.
Even all the numbing stuff has worn off and I am doing great. It's just my lower right side of my mouth that is kinda bugging me. It just feels like the way a really bad cut on your gums feels, which is exactly what I have, but ya know what I mean? It's not that whole throbing pain that everyone seems to go through. It has been really great!
I had the surgery at 8:00 a.m. ( and just to let you know, yes, I did
cry, right after they put the needle in my arm, but I cried because they were pressing down on my arm, ontop of where the needle was still in, so it REALLY hurt! And now I have a bruise.), then I got all drugged up with the stuff that makes you feel like you're floating right before you fall asleep, and the next thing I remember the nurse is handing me my coat and I was on my way home. I got home and slept from about 9:30-ish to about 11:30 and I have been wide awake and hyper all afternoon. And there has been no bleeding since about 4:00. So, I am on my way to a quick recovery, woot! I'm so happy! *Sigh*
So, that is a HUGE plus. I may even be able to go to my singing lessons on Thursday after all. And speaking of singing, The Phantom Of The Opera officially ROCKS MY WORLD!!!!!!!!!! My cousin and I went and saw the new one last night, to cheer me up before I had to have my teeth pulled. And OH MY HEAVENS! The guy that plays the Phantom is absolutely gorgeous, and he voice is even better! All praise Gerard Butler!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is a god of singing!!!!!!!!!!!! You may remember him as the leading man from Laura Croft Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life. I haven't seen that yet, but now I have to! Anyhoo! That is an AMAZING movie and I knew the music was good, but I didn't know it was THAT good! I loved loved loved loved loved it! And since I'm not going to school tomorrow, I might just go see it again! WOOT! Well, that is all for now. Keep it real, and never forget that you're loved! Tcho!

Top'o the day t'ya!

2005-01-11T15:40:00.000-08:00

Fist off, I am going to say I'm sorry that this will be a long post. SO, here we go... Yep, it's official that it is impossible to please the entire world, no matter how hard you try! No matter how pleasing you are, or happy, or funny, or kind, or sympathetic, or charitable, or humble, or loving... none of it seems to matter! I can't stand it anymore! GEH!!!!!!!! I think it's because I actually WANT to be a great person and the darker forces are at work against me. Well, cheers to them, or it, what ever it may be, I say CHEERS because even though I want to give up, I'M NOT GONNA! SO THERE! So, if anyone has a problem with people that like to be loved, you can just BITE ME! Ha!
And in other news, I like to rant and rave about pointless crap that nobody cares about! Yay! Okay, seriously, I do have something to talk about, but if you don't want to read about depressing stuff, you shouldn't read on. But if you care enough to read on, please do!
Anyhoo! So, I will try to make this short, but today I discovered that I was dead-wrong about a feeling I was having, and I'm really glad that I realized it today, instead of letting the feeling get stronger and then getting hurt later on. If you're wondering, yes, it has to do with a guy. And this is about the first time that I have mentioned it, except when I talk to my cousin about it. She's the only one I've talked to about liking this guy, and now, tonight, I get to cry on her shoulder and tell her how wrong I was. So, okay, in a nut-shell... I thought he liked me, and I thought things were going really well, but he said something today that changed everything and now I want someone to rip my heart out of my chest so I don't have to feel it breaking anymore. I am DONE with all this "feelings" stuff because I am SICK of always being depressed and hurt over STUPID GUYS! (Please, if you are a guy, do not take any offense, I am just unhappy, and this does not mean I think all guys are the same.) So, that's pretty much it.
OH! I have also decided that I am going into a coma on Valentines Day. I bet you can guess why I feel like that. But it's kinda my fault because I watch too many chick flicks, and those make me day dream about all this hopeless romantic stuff. But my dream Valentines day would be, to be at school and recieve an anonymous Valentine that is home-made that just says "Be My Valentine." Then later that day, while at home, get a knock on the door or hear the door bell ring and open the door to find, not a person, but a boquet of a dozen red and white roses with a note that says something like, "If you're answer to the first question was yes, and you will be my Valentine, then meet me at (insert a place to meet, preferably somewhere public. I see at the Gazeebo at Heritage Park in Eagle at about sunset) at (insert time, ya know, sunset) and be ready for a romantic night out on the town. Signed anonymous. So, I'd get all beautified and then have someone at least accompany me until I know how the person is, so it's safe. And he'd be dressed up ( doens't mean the guy would have to be wear a tux or anything.) Then we'd go have a nice dinner ( I think homemade Candle-lit dinners are the best! With slow music playing). Then when we're done eating, he stands up, puts his hand out, and asks me if I want to dance, then we dance to a song that he specially picked just for that dance. And then he gets me home before or by midnight (because I respect my parents and their generous curfew), with a possible goodnight kiss on the porch, depending on how well we know each other and what not. So, yeah, I know, it's REALLY lame that I have that all planned out, but that's how my perfect Valentine's Day will happen, someday, with a few unexpected things here and there. So, I will be home Valentines Day watching old, mushy, sad, depressing, love movies, eating chocolate, curled up with tons of blankets, just dreaming about when that day comes. *Sigh*...hmmmm... well. That's it. I just had to let that known, so everyone can know how lame I am. Have a GREAT day and I hope to hear from you! Much love. So sorry it's such a Long Post!

Will the real Slim-something or other please stand up!

2005-01-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

Good Sunday to you all! And good grief, you gravy growing grave-digger! HA! I bet you don't know what type of poetry that is! I do! But I have just forgotten the name of it... so blah! I will figure it out later, because I have it in my English note book for school.
Oh boy, school *gag*, why me? Why any of us? This week is finals week for first semester, and I sure am not looking forward to it. Although, it's a pretty sweet deal because I take my Zero hour class final Tuesday morning, then we don't have that class for the rest of the week. WOOT! (But then it will be really hard to get a good parking spot if we don't get there early. Hmmm..) And then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday we're only in school until about 11:00 or sometime very close to that. It's AWESOME! Yay! But there is still the issue of AAAAAAAAAAA! Translation: "Oh my HECK! I think I'm going to just fall over, dead from all this stress! Geh!" So, I wish I could take some really strong sedatives to knock me out after school, so that I don't have to stress until the next morning. But hey, that's life and we all have to go through it.
Next subject of great importance... I don't really know exactly how to say it. *Sigh*- I guess it's just that it's really annoying that no matter how hard one tries to be a great person and be positive all the time and be a friend to anyone and everyone, they still get royally screwed up the wazoo! And noooo, I'm not just talking about me, so get over it! I'm talking about anyone who is like that, which is most people I know. It just seems so unfair that the good people and innocent people who do the things that they are supposed to do are the ones that end up being screwed the worst. Take, for a very good example, the countries that have been devistated by the unbelievable wrath of Mother Nature. Those people were struggling enough and just doing all they could to survive and make some kind of a living, but oh no, that's not gonna happen. And they get it, bad!
I mean, you can't blame anyone or anything for this. It's just that it really sucks and it's hard to understand why it had to happen. And all I feel like I can do is sit back and listen to it happen. I want to help so much when ever there is any kind of thing going on, whether it is a matter with a family memeber or a friend, or a world crisis, but I am powerless, and I hate that. I pray all the time for help and understanding and comfort, but I wish I had a more physical way of helping. But we can't all be super-hero's and I guess I just have to keep believing in the power of pray and have faith that things will all turn out right in the end.
So, like the title of this post, it may not seem that when you are going through hard times, that anyone is there to help, but really you just have to take a stand within yourself and believe that you are the one person that can fix your problems before anyone else can. Sorry this was so long, but when ya gotta vent, ya gotta vent! Keep it real, ya'll! Keep the faith alive! Peace!

Holy Swiss Cheese, Batman!

2005-01-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

Hello all my faithful fans and not-so-much-fans out there! My oh my, how time does fly when you're having too much fun! Christmas and New Year's just rushed by like a... something that rushes by you really fast. I was REALLY enjoying my two week break from school, but it was gone, just like that. Just "POOF" and it was over and I was back to getting up at 4:45 a.m. The first morning really wasn't that bad, but by the afternoon I was pissing off all my teachers because I was almost falling asleep. Oh, and on that note, teachers need to frikin' LIGHTEN UP! I mean, it was the first day back, and they were all angry and frustrated that people were tired! WELL HELLO!!!!!!! We were sleeping in until noon, so just give us a day to get back to normal!
Anyhoo! So, I am almost done with first semester, and as I mentioned in a previous blog, I was doing poorly in Chem., and now I am failing and dropping the class this coming semester. So, yay for sucking at stuff like that. I HATE FAILING, but I'm getting pretty freakin' good at it, which is bad. So, I'm sorry, I have to say this, but... I HATE MYSELF! Yay. I just feel like I can't get anything right anymore, so la dee frikin' da!
Other than that crappy piece of information, life is pretty great. All of my other grades are C's and higher, and so I am very happy about that! And, well, I don't know if I really want to talk about the other good things going on in my life right now because it's a secret, so there! But let me tell ya, they are GOOOOOOD! YAY!!!
*Cough, grumble* moving on... Right then! I guess there isn't really much to talk about. I, once again, did not get a New Year's kiss, but who freakin' cares! I think that I will save that one special kiss for the guy I end up marrying or something cool like that. Guys are soooo over-rated and so is steady dating. I mean, it's great and all, but being single and able to check-out and flirt with any guys you want it FAN-Freakin'-TASTIC! So, I don't feel bad or left out or loser-ish just because I don't have a boyfriend. I don't have one because I don't want one! Muahahahaha! Woot for me! K, I'm sooo done now. I bid you a found peace out!

Holiday Greetings to everyone! I love you all!

2004-12-18T23:10:00.000-08:00

Ho, ho, ho and what not! Oh, I LOVE the holidays! They are so fun and happy, for the most part. But it's so very easy to lose track of what's important during the holiday season. So, I just hope that if anyone is stressed out over their shopping or decorating, or cooking... for goodness sake, just relax and think about all the good things in life and what the real reason is for celebrating! It makes things a lot easier to deal with.

Anyhoo! So, this week has been pretty sweet. My oldest brother Matthew has been home all week, and it has been cool having him here to hang out with and stuff. This week was also one of the longest weeks of a high school students life. The week before Christmas break just seems to drag forever! It's torture! But I managed to barely make it. And now I have two full weeks of just relaxing and not having to worry about school, except that the week after we go back is Semester finals week. NOOOOOO! I think I am going to totally fail my Chem. final. But I don't want to talk about that right now. I want to talk about all the cool stuff that I did during the week and during the weekend so far.

Well, Tuesday night I had my final Voice Recital with the Voice teacher that I had. She is an absolutely amazing woman. I look up to her so much. But I have to find a new teacher now. Bummer. Anyhoo! The recital rocked and I feel that my voice is getting really good! Then Wednesday and Thrusday night we had our Eagle High/Centenial High School combined choir concerts. It was really different and kind of awkward because Centenial is our Rival school. But Wed. night was Centenial supporter night, and Eagle night was on Thurs.
Then Last night, as a family, we went to the Boise Botanical (sp.) gardens where they decorate the entire garden with Christmas lights. It is absolutely beautiful and for someone that loves pretty things, it was breath taking for me. At the same time, on a rediculous girlish fantasy level, it was so romantic that it made me kind of giddy and sad at the same time. I was watching this couple standing in this little thing that looked like a top of a castle tower, and it was all lit up of course, and they were kinda dancing underneath it. I wanted to take a picture so bad because it was so romantinc, but I was like, "Oy vay! I hate that it's so hard to have a realationship at this age because I want to have a guy kiss me under there!" and then I snapped out of it and told myself that I don't need to think about that kind of stuff. It is hard not to, though, because it just comes so naturally to me... I LOVE chick flicks and fairy tales, so I can't help wanting to be some one's princess, ya know?
Moving on. Then today was really awesome! My friends Ashlee, Kat, Scott, as friend of his, and I all went to the zoo today. It is kinda weird being there in the winter because there is no one there, but the animals were a lot more active for some reason. Maybe we just went at a good time. But that was really fun and I act like a little kid when I'm there because I just get so excited about the animals. Even though they are the same animals every time I go there. I am just a dork. Then when we were leaving, we still had about an hour to spare, so Scott said that he wanted to show us the Idaho State Vetrans Cemetery. So, we went there, and that place is so totally breath taking! You go up to a spot that looks out over the whole Cemetery and the ENTIRE valley, and it just blew me away. I wanted to cry, but I didn't want to get razzed on by Kat. She doesn't like it when people cry. So, I didn't. But I was really overwhelmed by the dedication it took to make this place so beautiful and special for the people that are and will be buried there. After that, I came home and we had our Christmas dinner with Matthew, since he won't actually be here on Christmas. It was really good and we had some family friends over, the Cleverlys'. After dinner, we opened our gifts that were from Matthew and Matthew opened the ones to him from the family. It was really nice. I got a sweet bag fully of Bath and Body Works stuff and Love Spell from Victoria's Secret. And some other things from Phillip's fiance, Charley, and my parents. Then when I was able to, I went over to Ashlee's house and hung out with her, Scott, Kat, and Mitch. All in all, it has been SWEET! I love being with my family and friends! You all ROCK MY WORLD! So... sorry for making this so long, but I HAD to tell everything! If I don't blog again before Christmas, have a Merry Christmas and rock out in the New Year, ya'll! I know I will! Keep it real! Love and peace!

Okay, I have it fixed now!

2004-12-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

Well then, as of my last post, I thought that no one was even checking my posts, but I was wrong. So, I fixed my blog now so that anyone can post, even if you are not a member. WOOT! Now that that's taken care of... how are ya? I hope everyone is doing well. And I hope that the stress levels are not too great as Christmas day draws nearer and nearer. I think that my stress levels have gone down quite a bit the last couple of weeks, over the Christmas stuff that is.

I am still going crazy over school stuff. I am trying really hard to keep up, and thankfully, most of my teachers except late work. In fact, I think only one of them does not. I don't know what wrong with her, no one really does. Hardly anyone is getting good grades in her class because she seriously does not know how to teach. I know, you probably think I'm saying that so that I don't have to take any blame. I take full blame for the fact that I don't get my work done, but I don't get it done because I have NO idea what she is EVER talking about. If you aren't a science-crazy-math type of student, then you don't get anything in this class.

But what ev. I'm pretty sure I will either try to get a new Chem. teacher for next semester or just drop the class. I know that colleges like students to have 4 years worth of Science credits, but I don't have to have those 4 years to graduate. I've already got enough science credits for high school. I don't know, it's a hard choice to make, because it will be hard enough to get into college, even if I have the 4 years, so I need all the help I can get. But there are other credits I could get as well, so that I don't have to worry about them next year. I really need to get with my counselor to talk to her about what I credits I still need and what I can do about my classes that I'm not doing to well in.

Anyhoo! It's been fun, but I gotta go. Going to Barns And Noble just to see what cool books they have. If you know a lot about basic Chemistry, leave me a post or e-mail me because I could really use a lot of help getting that stuff! Have a Wintery wonderful day! Tcho!

Is this a complete waste of my time? YOU should let me know!

2004-12-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

Okay people, this is dumb. I feel like I do things that are going to be cool and fun and people will be somewhat interested in, but they always end up being a waste of time. So, if this blog is a waste of time, I'd really like to know. Like, if no one is even reading this, then I shouldn't be blogging. SO! If there is even ONE person reading this, let me know. I may not put much in here but if there is just one person, but I will still blog if that one person wants me to. But if no one lets me know within about a week to two weeks, I'm not going to blog anymore. I am just going to delete this and forget about it. I'm sorry to be so negative, but it's just disappointing when I e-mail everyone on my list and tell them to check it out, then no body does. Actually, I know my mom does. And that counts as one (very important) person. So, if my mom wants me to keep blogging, I will. Anyhoo! I was going to tell about something that happened tonight, but I will tell about it tomorrow because I am really tired and worn out from all the excitement of the night. Later dudes!

Being sick is crap, especially when it just sneaks up on you.

2004-11-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

Well hi there!
So, I do not like getting sick, and I REALLY don't like getting so sick that I end up losing my cookies, if ya know what I mean. And that is exactly what happened today. It was totally unexpected. I was getting ready to take a shower this morning, and I totally felt fine and dandy, but then all of the sudden, I got really nausiated and my stomach felt like I had just been on a roller coaster. Thank goodness I was already in the bathroom because the next thing I knew I was bent over the toilet. Oy vay! So, I just took a shower anyway and got ready for school, trying to see if I'd be okay, but I was really dizzy and shakey, and my stomach was really upset, so my parents and I decided it would be best for me to stay home. And again, I have missed another day of school. :( I hate that. But today was the last day I could miss without an excuse. And of course my teachers will give me crap because of it, especially Mr. Corbett, I just know it! But hey, I totally didn't even know I was sick, and I was planning on being at school. So, too bad for them!
Anyhoo! that has pretty much been my day. I just took it easy and tried to not upset my stomach too much. I still don't feel too great, but I will be good enough to go back to school tomorrow.

I hope you all enjoyed reading about my exciting life! Hahaha! Just kidding. Take care and try to stay healthy, it's good for you. Tcho!

T'was the night before Monday

2004-11-28T22:30:00.000-08:00

Hello Blogger world! So, how was everyone's Thanksgiving? I hope it was great for everyone! Mine was yummy, I mean the food. I hardly ate anything on Thursday, but after, man those left-overs were calling my name every 5 minutes! I tried to resist eating too much, but I don't know how well I did. I feel like I've eaten a TON over the weekend... I sure hope I don't look it. But whatever, it was gooooood, that's all I care about! :)

Well, I guess I don't have a lot to say after all. Oh well, I don't have to write a huge thing everytime I blog. So, I think I am going to finish this up because I need to finish up the rest of my homework. I just needed a chance to vent about stuff. Like I've said before, if anyone needs to talk about anything that is bothering them, I'm always here to listen to what you have to say. If you don't need to talk about anything, just call me to say hi because it's nice to know that people care. I love just getting random calls from friends and family just because they want to say hi. Take care all! Be good! Bye bye!

Money money money money... MONEY!

2004-11-24T21:39:00.000-08:00

Woot! What's up people? My babysitting rate sure is! I'm a soooo stoked about getting all these babysitting jobs. I babysat last Tuesday, then Saturday, tonight, then I'm going to babysit Friday morning, Friday night, and Saturday night! It's awesome!

I have been praying like crazy, asking Heavenly Father to help me out with getting some jobs, so that I wouldn't have to bother my parents about money during the Holiday season. And Heavenly Father has blessed me BIG TIME! Thank goodness! I feel so much relief that I don't have to burden my parents with asking for money. That way they will have enough to pay the bills they have to and still have enough for all the big Holiday stuff! Yay! My conscience is clear, and I don't have to feel guilty about anything. Well, actually, having to borrow the car to GO babysitting is kinda getting to me because I always have the car, and it's not mine, it's my mom's. I feel really bad about that. Darn, guilt is flooding inside of me... grrr. Oh man, I need my own flippin' car!

Which brings me to a new paragraph! My own car... ohhh, wouldn't that be grand! So, I almost had my own car, once upon a day-dream. I knew that it was too good to be true! Frikin' awesome, 1980-something American Motors Eagle. Cute little thing! I was told, pretty much promised that it would be fixed and I would have it by the time I was driving with my driver's license. All that we would have to pay was for the part(s) that needed to be replaced, and that was it. Otherwise, it was Free free free free free!!!!!!!!! But, that dream was shattered, and I highly doubt that I will ever have my car, EVER! So, in honor of the Holiday spirit, I'm asking our good old, holy jolly, Santa himself (sort of) to grant me my number one HUGE Christmas wish! I want my car, fixed, cleaned (meaning all of it's pests and tenants living in it are GONE!), running well with a heater, in my drive way or by the side walk, on Christmas morning! I know it won't happen, but a girl can dream can't she? Oh, believe me, I WILL DREAM!

Well, tis' the time to get my beauty sleep. Macy's Day Parade tomorrow, 9:00 in the morning! Then Turkey Bowl, if I can make it, and if I can, I'm going to plow over EVERYONE! WOOT! Then after that, I get to help Mama with making the Thanksgiving FEAST! Yeah yeah! So, Happy Thanksgiving to all, and God bless us, everyone! Hahaha, I LOVE that movie/story. Good night! Peace out!

Having to finally let go... it's not going to be easy!

2004-11-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. So, today has been a very emotional and challenging day to get through for me and many of my friends. Two of my good friends from school, Russel and Dustin Youngberg (I hope that's how you spell it), just finished their last day of school with us here in Eagle. They are moving to Alaska because their family has businesses up there and stuff. So, it has been really hard to say good-bye to them and face fact that they won't be there tomorrow when I go to school.

I had two classes with both Dustin and Stover (Russel). I had Chemistry with Dustin second period, then third period I had seminary with Stover, and fourth period I had Jazz Choir with both of them. Man was it tough to get through choir today. So many tears! I felt like an idiot because I always cry, but Tanna told me that it was okay to cry and to just let it out. She is sooo great! Anyhoo! So, I think I hugged Dustin about 8 times and Stover about 4 or 5 times. I gave Stover my e-mail, along with a short note just telling him how much his friendship has meant to me, and I got his e-mail, so hopefully he will check his e-mail like it's a religion because I am going to send him an e-mail at least twice a week.

I just can't believe that they're not going to be there. The reality of them leaving actually hit me on Thursday of last week. I was driving in the car, and a song came on about being far apart from friends and loved ones, and it just hit me like a punch to the face. I couldn't believe how horrible my heart felt. Then last night I literally fell asleep crying over it. But today was the hardest part of getting through it. It's going to take awhile for the weirdness of them being gone to go away, but I will never be able to stop missing them. I just have to have patience for the hurt to leave and ask the Lord for strength to get me through the times when I really miss seeing them.

Well, I guess that's pretty much all I wanted to say. I just want them to know how cool they are and that their friendship means everything to me. And if anyone needs to talk about missing someone they love, I'm always around to listen. Just let me know! God bless!

My first blog! Woot! What a day to start!

2004-11-21T21:07:00.000-08:00

Well hi there! And how are ya? So, while watching the news, I am trying my hardest to decide what to say on my very first blog. My brother is my inspiration for even starting a blog because he has so many interesting things to read about. And they are really funny most of the time. It's great to read about his daily life and the all the things that happen.

So, I some how want my blogs to be like his. The problem is, not much happens in my life, and I don't know how to be funny. And if I think something is funny that happened, you usually have to be there to know that it was funny. In short, I am not entertaining.

Alas, I am still going to venture into the unknown world of online "journaling" (that's pretty much what a blog is, right?) and see how it works out for me. So, I guess I will just start with saying that I want all my family and friends that actually read my blogs to know that you all rock. Even for the family and friends who don't read, I love you all! And I want to apologize to anyone that I have hurt or offended, because I know that I have probably done that today. I won't talk about what happened because it's not something that I want to publicise, but I do want that very important person to know that even though things will always be different between us from now on, I still care and I always want to be friends.

Okay, so there you have it (a letter opener), my first blog. I hope they will get better and more interesting to read. Please feel free to critisize me and yell in jibberish or what ever language you please when you read this. Or write a comment to let me know what you think... of me or my blog or of what this life is all about! Peace out ya'll. Keep it real!