Who will read???

Oh my gosh... how could I have forgotten about this?? Really? It's so terrible... because it's so perfect! My Phantom of the Opera background... wow. Awesome. I can't believe the last time I posted anything was December, 2006.... it's July 2009 now!!! WHAT! WOWO!
So I'm married.... just a few weeks over 2 years being married. Matt is at basic training for the Army National Guard and will be home in 1 week and 1 day (it's July 2nd at 2:30 AM!!!) and I have insomnia from him being gone.
Literally people.... it sucks. If you ever think.... maybe it would be a great idea for my significant other to joing the military and leave me for a long period of time... well it's a TERRIBLE idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of him.... but I've also become a trainwreck of a person. I am completely serious when I say that if he gets deployed (and he's guaranteed to be) then I will have to be put in a place where I can't hurt myself or others. I'm completely one hundered percent not joking at all.
If you laugh... well then.... that's not good because it's not a joke. I've scared myself a lot with how insane I've gotten. I have to lock myself up in my safest room and sit in a corner and stay there until I'm not so out of my mind. It scares me every day at how easy it would be for me to do something completely stupid when I get in one of my... funks, I guess you would call it. It's like I lose control and I'm not even me anymore. I have to lock my dog up and my cat so I can't hurt either of them and I have to hide in the one room that has the least stuff in it. I have to cover my mouth as best as possible because of how loud I scream.... and I'm recalling all of this as if I watched from across the room. It's weird.
So..... uh. yeah. I don't know why I'm saying all of this except that I really need to let it out. I'm sick of pretending to the rest of the world like I'm fine and I'm handling it. I hate how out of control I get and then it's like I'm not even here, but something else is and it takes over and gets dangerously close to a scary edge.
I need therapy.
I still have issues with coping with the fact that my husband left me. Maybe that's why I'm posting on here. I needed to go somewhere where he wouldn't see. Please, if you know if, don't direct him here. I don't need him to have the wait of this on his shoulders. He's already done so much for us and he's been so brave and strong. He's amazing and I don't blame him for any of this, but I know he would let it get to him.
But I have issues getting over these thoughts in my head that crush me more and more every time I let them out.... things like, he voluntarily left me. He left me without a 2nd look back. He left without looking sad. He left me without a heartfelt good-bye, or a heartfelt kiss or hug. He just left me alone and it wasn't any thing for him to do so. I remember how his face looked when we'd talk about him joining the military. The tone of his voice, the way his eyes were almost cold, like he was dying to say "I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU!" And the morning he left.... god, that was such a horrible day... not really because he left, but because of the way he left. There was nothing in him that showed any remorse about leaving. He hardly kissed me. He hardly hugged me. He got up and dressed and ready to leave the house so fast I could have sworn he used magic to do it. He asked me to not get upset, to not cry, to be strong. He asked me to show no emotion and so I didn't. I didn't cry, I didn't break, and I didn't look him in the eyes while he said good bye because I was scared to see that it was really good-bye for good. I felt so sure that if he liked basic training enough that he would asked to be deployed right out of training, and then I'd never see him again.
Thank god I was wrong. Thank my wonderful gracious merciful loving God that he blessed both Matt and me to see how much we need eachother. He softened Matt's heart and opened his eyes to what he left behind and how good he had it at home. God opened my mind to how immature I was and how irresponsible I was, and self-centered, always thinking of what I wanted and not how it was affecting Matt. We both have realized that what we have is so wonderful and that we need each other to survive. I thank my God for that every day, for the blessing of a husband who is over-joyed to return to our home and for the blessing of my being able to be a stronger, more independent, more mature woman and wife. I know now how important the little things are and that our time together is the most precious thing we have. I never appreciated the time I got to spend with Matt. I was always complaining that I never got to go hang out with friends or do things I wanted to do. It was a hard thing to realize how ridiculous and selfish and hurtful I was being.
But there are still nights that keep me awake, like tonight, when I feel those scars inside, threatening to reopen, to take a little more of my sanity and strength each time. I know there is a way to make them gone for good, I just don't know what it is that I have to do to make them go away. There has to be a way.
I really do wonder if anyone would even see this. In a lot of ways, I hope not. It's sad and embarrassing and upsetting and I don't like the way I am right now. But it's only a few days and Matt will be home and we'll be able to start over and I know I'll be better.
I just need the strength to make it until then.
Need to go to bed.
yeah right.

DSM-ber... I like December???

Hahahahaaa! Okay, nobody that reads this blog knows what that title means, but oh boy if you did, you would be laughing super hard right now.
Oh man.
Um... I'm really happy and excited for it to finally be December! Tonight is the Eagle Holiday thing that they do the tree lighting and stuff! I'm so so so so so excited for that! It starts like, pretty early, too, so I'm gonna go out this evenging and enjoy the festivities! WOO!!!
Once again, I will be going alone... sadly. That's kinda my fault though, I didn't let Matt know about it, but that's because I didn't know it was tonight until yesterday when my dad told me.
Anyway... I'm excited to see the little parade that they do, and see the live nativity with the camel, and then all the people singing at the Gazeebo and lots of free hot chocolate! Yay! I love it!
I just wish I could have Matt there to keep me warm. : ( And they'll have the spot where everybody goes to kiss under the mistle toe.... man, this sucks. Dang it... I was all excited and now I'm just depressed.
Okay... no... I'm HAPPY! Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.... happy? Ohhhh, it's not working!
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts! Free hot chocolate, christmas carols, lots of free other things too.
I think I'll survive.
Aaaanyway, I can't wait for tonight. It's going to be great.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!!

So every millenium...

So pretty much, I never post on here.... I don't know why, I just don't. But I pretty much never post a blog on myspace either. I just don't blog much anymore.
I guess there's just stuff that I'm afraid certain people don't want me to publicly talk about. For example, that fact that I'm engaged and getting married to the most amazing and perfect guy EVER!!!
But I think it might embarrass him to talk about it. I don't really know why. Like, is it just a guy thing for them to not like to talk about it????
I'm pretty confused.
Anyway.... but I am engaged and getting married and I'm so stinking excited! I want to shout it from the tallest mountain and make the whole world hear about it. I mean, I'm going to marry the man of my dreams.... literally. I mean, who wouldn't dream about him! He's just PERFECT!!!
So we're thinking June, but I'm not so sure. I mean.... everyone does June. I'd really like to do a May wedding or even earlier, but we want to make sure we have at least enough money to get a good start.
I just want to get it over with because it is so hard to have to leave him every night or have to let him go home every night that he's at my house. And I think I'm starting to get a little annoying because I never want to let him leave and I put a pouty face on... but I don't think it's cute anymore... just annoying.
: (
I am pretty annoying to tell ya the truth. I think I annoy most people. Which makes the fact that I don't see my friends very often a good thing because then I don't annoy them and they get time away from me.
Aaaaa! I'm such a downer!!! BLAH!!!
I don't know what's wrong with me..... wait... I KNOW!!! And I'm going to be completely honest here! It's that time of the month and I'm never happy. I'm always in a bad mood... that's why God invented chocolate!
And anti-depressants! ; )
No... I'm not still on those. Sometimes I think I should be though. I'm like, depressed 85% of the time... not so good.
This is probably the most random blog because it has no actual flow to it. It's just kinda all over the place... but I like it that way.
So tomorrow is the 29th of November and I really want to put up Christmas decorations outside. I'm hoping that there will be enough sun shine tomorrow to be able to work outside and kinda get the yard cleaned up so we can make the house look all pretty for Christmas. YAY! I love the holiday... makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
But I'm not feeling very warm and fuzzy right now. More like I want to burst into tears and kick and scream and throw stuff for no real reason at all.
Actually, I think I have some pretty good reasoning. But I will not be disclosing that information. Private!!!
Oh but how I wish I could tell everyone why I'm not happy. I'm sure it would help much more than keeping it to myself.
But oh well... that's life.

Man.... I wish I had more happy things to talk about. Um........... my best friend Kara came home for Thanksgiving and I got to hang with her for a little while. We didn't get to hang out much, but she was only home for like 5 days basically. She'll be home for a break probably the 20th of December and then she's home until April!!!! YAYAYAYAYYYYY!!!!
That's when I'll be doing most of the wedding planning. She and my best friend Laura are going to be my brides maids. Laura is going to be my maid of honor because she's more like my sister than anyone of my friends because I've known her literally since day one of my life... and we even have the same last name. And then Kara is going to be like, my second maid of honor... since there's only going to be two girls.
I just can't wait to really get into the details. I think I'm the only one that's seriously psyched... I mean... I'm ready to burst with excitement and go crazy with planning, but I kinda feel like I can't. I don't know. I'm confused.... lots.
Well, this has been sufficiently lame, so I'm going to end now.
Later gators!!!

It's so late and I want so badly to feel happy! : (

It's 1:04 in the morning and I wish I could be sleeping, but I can't with how awful I feel.
It's bad enough that I'm extremely tempted to go down the rest of the bottle of my anti-depressents, just to feel an inch of happiness go through my body.
I can't believe how horrible I feel and how depressed I am after what was supposed to be a good day.
Something just went wrong.... and I feel like it's all my fault and I feel like such a failure and just feel like I can't do anything right anymore!
I wish I could stop crying and be strong and shake it off and say to myself that I'm just being dumb and that there's nothing wrong, but there's a million things wrong and I'm the biggest one of them.
I wish that I was smarter than I am, and that I had a quick mind, and more wit, and more confidence. I wish I was everything that I know would make my situation easier.... if I were all of those things and more.
I thought I was doing my best. I thought I was giving it my hardest to be better and to do better and to be continually improving myself and not settling for how I am now, but always trying to make more of myself.
I thought I was improving in things that I couldn't do before, but I feel like the harder I try, the more bigger and better things are expected and whatever I do is never going to be good enough.... I'LL never be good enough.
I'll never look good enough, I'll never KNOW enough, I'll never have enough skills, I'LL NEVER BE ENOUGH!!!! I hate that I should be feeling really happy at this point in my life, and just in one day, it's gone and all I want to do is run away and hide and pretend none of it ever happened, just so I could feel happy and not so upset about everything.
I should be giggling and laughing and constantly smiling and on cloud nine 24/7, but instead, with each day, I feel worse and worse about who I am, about myself, about my efforts... and I just keep feeling like I'm never going to be good enough and I'm just going to be forgotten and left behind in the end. I feel like the love I feel is just going to be pushed back into my face and that I'll look like an idiot for it.
But who knows.... maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm just being a stupid girl, who was hurt once (and it was devistating) and I'm just afraid to have it happen again. So when there is a serious lack of "reassurance" I start freaking out that things aren't okay and that things are very bad. When I don't hear comforting words like "I love you" I start to worry that the reason these things aren't being said is because they aren't true anymore.
Like I said, I could be wrong and I could end up eating my words tomorrow..... I really hope I do. I want to be made a liar.... I want to be proved wrong that all my worries and the fact that my heart is ripping apart... it's all just been a waste of heart aches because there's no reason to feel like this. I WANT to be wrong, sooooo badly!
So if I am...... the next blog on here should be great.... if I'm not.... I don't think there will be a next blog. Who knows.

Do ya ever just feel like you don't want to feel anything anymore?

I hate nights like tonight. I hate feeling so unhappy and lost when I have no reason to... at all. I had a really great day today.

I spent the morning and afternoon doing fun stuff with my mom.
Then this evening, I hung out with one of my best friends, Kat. We went swimming and laughed until we thought we were going to explode.

But for some reason, I still feel like all I want to do is cry and scream and be angry and stupid stuff like that, but I have no reason to be feeling like this.

I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
I would talk about the biggest thing that is on my mind, but ya never know who might read this, so I won't go there.

The second biggest thing that is not only weighing on my mind, but even more on my heart is how much I miss my family in Idaho Falls. I want to go there sooooooo bad, and it's only been a month since I was last there. I've just been thinking about them a lot lately and about how much I miss the things we did as a family when I was little. I miss the family cook-outs, camp-outs (I REALLLLLLLLY want to go camping with my family.... it's killing me!) holidays, birthdays, Sundays, any day that we spent together.
My Uncle Kim, my dad's brother, was here this week. We haven't seen him in such a long time and it was so fun just getting to spend a couple of hours with him. We went to dinner with him and it made me miss everyone so much. Even when we do get a chance to go to Idaho Falls every now and then, we don't get to see all of the family and it stinks.
I just want to be with them and share stories and catch up on everyone's lives, and talk about memories. Stuff like that. I miss all the little things that made life there so special.
And on nights like tonight, it makes me feel even farther away from them.
I miss them all so much. I hope they know how much they mean to me.

Third thing that is bothering me.... friendship stuff. I haven't been a very good friend lately. I've always said that just because someone has a "significant other" it shouldn't mean that they abandone their friends. I feel like I've done exactly that. I've told so many of my friends that I'd take some time to hang out with them, but I haven't followed through with almost all of those times. I was supposed to meet a really important friend of mine at the airport on Monday when she came home from being in Florida for a month, and I totally spaced it. I also had another very important friend leave for college about a week ago, and she had two whole weeks that we could have done something together, but I never even took the time to call her before she left. I feel like such a horrible person. I've never been like this with my friends and all of the sudden, I can't seem to remember to find time for them. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE all the time I spend with my sweetie, but I just feel like the world's biggest jerk for not spending time with everyone. So if any of you read this, I am so sorry for ignoring you. I hope you can forgive me and give me another chance.

And last, but most certainly not least... I still don't have a job and it's not because I've tried and just haven't gotten anything. The reason I don't have a job is because I honestly haven't turned in any applications. Once again, I've been keeping pretty busy with a certain someone, and just haven't been smart enough to make time to take out applications. My parents are amazing for being so patient and understanding. But I feel like such a dead-weight on their finances. I'd really like to be able to use my own money for things instead of having them pay for my life. I'd like to be able to spend money on things that my boyfriend and I do, instead of him having to pay all the time. I appreciate everything, I just feel like a leech.... sucking the financial LIFE out of everyone. I hate that. I don't want to be a leech... they're ugly and NOBODY likes them.

So, I guess there are somethings I need to do to fix my problems.

Number one: Give the family a call myself, instead of always having my mom relay my "I love you's" for me. Let them know how much I miss them and talk about maybe spending some time there soon.

Number two: Learn to prioritize. My friends need to know they're still important; my family needs to know I still need them and want to spend time playing games and watching movies and stuff like that with them; and I need to prove to myself and everyone else that I can accomplish tasks that need to be done and that I'm not a slacker/leech.

Number three: I really need to be more bold and confident and face the thing that is weighing most on my mind.... which will remain unidentified. I just don't know how to face it because it's a first for me.

Hmmm... I'm impressed. This is a super-huge-gigantic- ginormous blog! The thing I don't like about it...... I feel like the world's biggest whiner EVER! Not cool. I think I give people the wrong impression. I really am a happy person, I just never blog about the good times. I seem to blog only when I need to vent. Maybe I should start another good habit of blogging about good things that happen to me.
Alright. So, I need to get to bed. I'm super-tired.

Until next time....

Just so ya know.

Yeah, so I know I don't post on here often. So I'm sorry if you've been the kind of person who checks frequently and never find anything new. My bad.

Quick update: I did graduate from high school, but just barely. Thank goodness I made it.

Anyhoo. So what's going on in my life right now is that I'm praying like crazy to be able to go up to Seattle for a little while and stay with my brother. Maybe for a month, maybe for a few months. I just know I want to go and take a breather from life here. I don't know why I feel so over-whelmed, when this month has been so relaxing and easy-going. I think it's mostly because I don't know how I'm going to handle all of my friends going away to college this week and I have to stay behind. It sucks.... A LOT!!!!!!!!

So Seattle is my biggest goal right now. But to occupy my time, I'm looking for a job. I want to get a job down-town at one of the clothing boutiques. That, or work at a bookstore. Other than that, I'm still taking voice lessons, but I'm taking from a new teacher and he is absolutely amazing. He is so freaking smart! I really want to audition for Opera Idaho, but I want him to help me out with that one.

Well, that's pretty much it. Sorry for taking such a long time to fill ya in on stuff.

Until next time...........

Not turning out alright...

Okay, so I've been told all my life that your senior year is supposed to be the best year ever of your high school life. I've been told that it's when everything just seems to turn out right and your best memories are made during this year. I'd really like to punch every person that has said this to me.... they were so wrong.

Number one thing that has gone wrong: Almost all friendships have been brought to practically nothing and about the only reason any of us are still friends is just to be nice and save face... I suppose. This is how I feel at least... this is how I have perseived it all, but I could be wrong. I know at least I am still in it because I care and because I believe in fighting for friendship. But it gets harder and harder everyday as it feels more artificial with each smile and wave.

Second thing that has gone terribly wrong: My determination.... which has resulted in the most terrible grades anyone could ever imagine. I never thought it would get as bad as it is, and now I'm in a panic and praying that my teachers will find mercy and fogiveness, and somehow find it in them to believe me that if they tell me to do hard, and extra work, that I will do any and all that they ask of me. I know of no other way to save myself from not being able to graduate. That would the worst thing to ever happen to me. I can't even think of it... it's not an option, yet it is up to my teachers attitudes toward giving me a fighting chance.

Third thing: My plans for the future. I have dreamed since 6th grade that I would be graduated and out of Idaho within a month to a month and a half after graduation.... and I knew the entire time that could not happen... but I dreamed it anyway.... with small ounces of hope. I know for sure now that it will take more than just 3 to 4 or even 5 months for me to be able to leave. It will be longer than a year. I'm so afraid that I'll never get out of here... it scares me to think that there is this great big world out there, and I'll never see more than small parts of the surrounding states of Idaho. I'm scared of being trapped and never experiencing the beauties of the rest of the world.

I just keep hope... that's all I've really got going to for me now. And I have more determination now than I have in a long time, but I'm afraid it came too late. But I just hope.
Pray for me now, please... even if you don't pray. I am talking to my teachers tomorrow... I hope they will see in my face and my eyes that they can trust me to do the work they ask me to do. As for my friends and my future, like I said, just pray for me.... and hope that things turn out right.
Thanks.

Until next time...