It's so late and I want so badly to feel happy! : (
It's 1:04 in the morning and I wish I could be sleeping, but I can't with how awful I feel.
It's bad enough that I'm extremely tempted to go down the rest of the bottle of my anti-depressents, just to feel an inch of happiness go through my body.
I can't believe how horrible I feel and how depressed I am after what was supposed to be a good day.
Something just went wrong.... and I feel like it's all my fault and I feel like such a failure and just feel like I can't do anything right anymore!
I wish I could stop crying and be strong and shake it off and say to myself that I'm just being dumb and that there's nothing wrong, but there's a million things wrong and I'm the biggest one of them.
I wish that I was smarter than I am, and that I had a quick mind, and more wit, and more confidence. I wish I was everything that I know would make my situation easier.... if I were all of those things and more.
I thought I was doing my best. I thought I was giving it my hardest to be better and to do better and to be continually improving myself and not settling for how I am now, but always trying to make more of myself.
I thought I was improving in things that I couldn't do before, but I feel like the harder I try, the more bigger and better things are expected and whatever I do is never going to be good enough.... I'LL never be good enough.
I'll never look good enough, I'll never KNOW enough, I'll never have enough skills, I'LL NEVER BE ENOUGH!!!! I hate that I should be feeling really happy at this point in my life, and just in one day, it's gone and all I want to do is run away and hide and pretend none of it ever happened, just so I could feel happy and not so upset about everything.
I should be giggling and laughing and constantly smiling and on cloud nine 24/7, but instead, with each day, I feel worse and worse about who I am, about myself, about my efforts... and I just keep feeling like I'm never going to be good enough and I'm just going to be forgotten and left behind in the end. I feel like the love I feel is just going to be pushed back into my face and that I'll look like an idiot for it.
But who knows.... maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm just being a stupid girl, who was hurt once (and it was devistating) and I'm just afraid to have it happen again. So when there is a serious lack of "reassurance" I start freaking out that things aren't okay and that things are very bad. When I don't hear comforting words like "I love you" I start to worry that the reason these things aren't being said is because they aren't true anymore.
Like I said, I could be wrong and I could end up eating my words tomorrow..... I really hope I do. I want to be made a liar.... I want to be proved wrong that all my worries and the fact that my heart is ripping apart... it's all just been a waste of heart aches because there's no reason to feel like this. I WANT to be wrong, sooooo badly!
So if I am...... the next blog on here should be great.... if I'm not.... I don't think there will be a next blog. Who knows.
It's bad enough that I'm extremely tempted to go down the rest of the bottle of my anti-depressents, just to feel an inch of happiness go through my body.
I can't believe how horrible I feel and how depressed I am after what was supposed to be a good day.
Something just went wrong.... and I feel like it's all my fault and I feel like such a failure and just feel like I can't do anything right anymore!
I wish I could stop crying and be strong and shake it off and say to myself that I'm just being dumb and that there's nothing wrong, but there's a million things wrong and I'm the biggest one of them.
I wish that I was smarter than I am, and that I had a quick mind, and more wit, and more confidence. I wish I was everything that I know would make my situation easier.... if I were all of those things and more.
I thought I was doing my best. I thought I was giving it my hardest to be better and to do better and to be continually improving myself and not settling for how I am now, but always trying to make more of myself.
I thought I was improving in things that I couldn't do before, but I feel like the harder I try, the more bigger and better things are expected and whatever I do is never going to be good enough.... I'LL never be good enough.
I'll never look good enough, I'll never KNOW enough, I'll never have enough skills, I'LL NEVER BE ENOUGH!!!! I hate that I should be feeling really happy at this point in my life, and just in one day, it's gone and all I want to do is run away and hide and pretend none of it ever happened, just so I could feel happy and not so upset about everything.
I should be giggling and laughing and constantly smiling and on cloud nine 24/7, but instead, with each day, I feel worse and worse about who I am, about myself, about my efforts... and I just keep feeling like I'm never going to be good enough and I'm just going to be forgotten and left behind in the end. I feel like the love I feel is just going to be pushed back into my face and that I'll look like an idiot for it.
But who knows.... maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm just being a stupid girl, who was hurt once (and it was devistating) and I'm just afraid to have it happen again. So when there is a serious lack of "reassurance" I start freaking out that things aren't okay and that things are very bad. When I don't hear comforting words like "I love you" I start to worry that the reason these things aren't being said is because they aren't true anymore.
Like I said, I could be wrong and I could end up eating my words tomorrow..... I really hope I do. I want to be made a liar.... I want to be proved wrong that all my worries and the fact that my heart is ripping apart... it's all just been a waste of heart aches because there's no reason to feel like this. I WANT to be wrong, sooooo badly!
So if I am...... the next blog on here should be great.... if I'm not.... I don't think there will be a next blog. Who knows.
The Angel of Music mingled with commoners at 12:08 AM
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