I need to find my own voice...

Hello dear friends. How are you on this lovely Sunday afternoon? I hope all is well. I hope that you are healthy, happy, and at peace in your lives.
If only I could feel peaceful and truly happy, but reality destroys all of that hopefulness within me. Today I wonder what I will do this time to tell myself that everything will be okay and that I will find that tomorrow will be full of wonderful feelings and complete happiness. But I can find no words, no feelings of comfort to help me understand why we have to hurt one another, why we have to say things that wound the spirit and put friendships in jeapordy.
Why do the people we love so dearly turn their backs on us when we need them the most? And why can't I find it within myself to stop people from saying the things they say? I wish that I could just scream at someone when they are causing conflict! But I'm so weak and I let everyone else speak for me, as if I have no mind, no control of my thoughts, as if I have no thoughts. I hate being treated like a child when I act more adult than most of the people that talk down to me.
I have a headache, a heartache, and an emptiness in my soul today because I was not able to say what I felt, because I knew if I did, it would just make everything worse. I feel like, in trying to find a way to spend time with friends and have an enjoyable night out together, I just planned the worst night that could possibly happen. If it had been anyone else that had planned the night out, everyone would have gotten along and had a good time, but when I try to do something good, it's like some unseen enemy throws it back in my face by making it terrible. Then I am the one that is to blame because it was all my idea. Why does this always have to happen?
I thought I could trust my friends, that they would know how to be pleasant and kind to one another, but I was wrong to trust. I always am. I think I am doing something right, but it's always wrong! I feel so lost now, just because of one stupid night, because of one STUPID idea, because I just wanted to be surrounded by the people I love and wanted them to know how much I love them. But I'm always wrong in what I do, no matter what my intentions are.
Maybe someday I will find my voice and be able to tell them that all I wanted was for all of them to realize how much I respected them, and that is why I thought everything would be okay. Maybe I will find the voice I need to tell them that what they thought I was thinking was wrong, and they will know where I stand! I hope for that, very soon.