Having one of those nights.

I just can't stop thinking about Kenny this week. He's been on my mind since about last Wednesday. And tonight, I have been crying like crazy... maybe it's because this Thursday it will be 3 months since he died. And I think it's also because the very next night will be our Homecoming game, and he's not going to be there to share it with us... at least not physically. Last year at our Homecoming game was probably one of the best times we had with him. He made us all laugh sooo hard, and he let us torture him... it was so much fun! But this year, we'll all be looking at the place that we had sat, and it's going to be hard to cheer without him cheering, too. Then Saturday is our Homecoming dance, and there will be a huge empty space when we have dinner and in all the activities that we do... he won't be there. It's just really hard... but at least I have the ability to talk about it and write about it. If I didn't, I think I would rot and fester inside.

I feel so dumb for crying when I do because I know that Kenny must be shaking his head just wanting me to stop and to smile. I know for a FACT that he wants me to smile because of a dream I had that was just a little more real than a dream. I don't know if I ever said anything about this, but the Wednesday after Kenny's funeral (it was on a Monday... that Wednesday was exactly a week after he died) I had a dream, and Kenny was there, and we were in my kitchen. All he really said to me was that I needed to smile, to look at the smile on his face, and smile just like that because he had the biggest smile on his face! I knew that it was him telling me that it was time to stop hurting so much and time to let myself smile and laugh again. I knew that he was really smiling like that, it wasn't just my imagination, it was Kenny smiling at me and he had the greatest, most happy smile I've ever seen on anyone's face. How can you be sad knowing that someone is sooooo truly happy? I guess I'm not really sad, I just really miss him and I wish we could all be where he is so that we could be together... he's in such a great place, I just want to be with him... but not until it's my time.

I don't really have much else to say... I just miss him a lot this week! I want see him so bad and hug him! I don't know if I ever actually hugged him, but it's like I remember what his hug was like and I miss it. I need a Kenny hug, and maybe if I'm lucky, just maybe he'll give me one while I'm sleeping tonight. I hope so much for that.

Believe in the love you have in your heart, that is the most vital part of life and living. Through love, we all survive.