I feel like I won't cry tonight.

So, yesterday was Kenny's funeral, and it was a very hard thing to get through. It was very well done, and we all felt a sweet spirit during the services, but yesterday just went on forever and it was still so difficult to smile.
But today has been a good day. My mom and I went and saw the movie The Perfect Man. It was a nice movie, best Hilary Duff movie yet. I loved it. I was still a little emotional, crying one second (during the movie) for no reason, then laughing like crazy. But after the movie, it was dumping rain outside, and I had to run to the car... with flip-flop's on, so I couldn't really run. Once I got in the car, I was laughing like crazy, and I couldn't feel my heart breaking anymore. It was gone, and I was happy. Then we went home really quick, and I called one of my best friends, Kat. We invited her to go to the mall, so that we could all get out of our houses and do something fun (Kat was EXTREMELY close to Kenny... almost his girlfriend). So, my mom and I picked her and her mom up, and we all went and had a girl's day at the mall. We were all laughing and smiling, and I just felt so at peace and felt like it was okay to let go and smile.
So, I'm pretty sure that tonight, for the first time since Wednesday (when he died), I won't be crying myself to sleep. I think that I will be able to go to sleep smiling and feeling that we are all going to make it through this. I'm thankful for Kenny's friendship, and for the memories we all made with him. And I'm glad that he is happy, and helping us be happy too.
Thanks to everyone for being amazing people. I'm only friends with people who have big hearts and lots of love for everyone, so if you're reading this, and you know me... then you know you're my friend and I love you. And if you don't know me, I still love you, just for being a creation of God. Peace out.

Please God, just make my heart stop hurting.

So, I don't exactly know what to say. The last couple of days have been very hard to get through. I've felt like the entire world has gone from vibrant color to black, white, and gray... mostly gray. I feel like I have nothing inside of me, and I just feel like everything is moving in slow motion. Things like this only happen in the movies, at least to young people. It's not fair!
My friend Kenny Lloyd died on Wednesday, June 22, up at his High Adventure Boy Scout camp. He was on a zipline, and the wheel for the zipline somehow suddenly got stuck in the ropes, forcing Kenny to be flung off of the zipline. He fell about 15 feet, and the fall instantly killed him. It's been so hard to feel like getting up in the morning. I walk around the house all day, just wondering how my friends are doing, how his family is doing, and how any of us will ever be happy again. Kenny was such a big part of our lives. It was a big shock to all of us that someone as amazing as Kenny could be gone so fast, and without any warning. I miss him so much, and I just need some thing to do tonight because it's hard to sleep and find peace and rest when all I can think about is never seeing him again... in this life anyway. I just can't see how things will ever be good again, and I can't imagine going into the school halls this coming year... our senior year, and not having Kenny right there beside us. I've never felt my heart hurt like this before, I've never cried so much before, and I've never missed some one like this before.

Kenny, I just want to let you know that we all loved you so much, and that you meant the world to all of us. You'll always be my Goose, and I'll always let people call me Ashlee, just for you. I love you man, I can't wait until that beautiful day when we are all reunited in Heaven.

Weirded out... when does the drama end??? No more for me, please!

Okay people, this just in! Sources say that my life is about to go into drama-overload! I have done SOOOOOOO well to avoid having ANY boy problems since about February. Life has been GRRRREAT, not worrying about guys all the time and just doing things that make me happy, not trying to be happy to make guys happy, but just REALLY, truly happy for me, myself, and I. It's been like this perfect world where, yeah, guys are great... blah blah blah, but they're not consuming my life like all of my friends. And I have just felt so at ease and less weighed down by stupid stressfull issues like guys. It's like that's all there is to being a teenager and being in high school; if you're not involved with a guy or not crushing on a guy, or heaven forbid not THINKING about guys, then you are the SCUMB of the earth or something near that. You are a FREAK of nature if guys do not consume your every thought and action. This I have learned from my own personal experience. And even though my friends have thought that I'm INSANE, it's been a dream, not worrying sooooooo much.
But, I guess it really is a dream; too good to be true; what goes up, MUST come down... that sort of thing. Because, out of the clear blue this huge, frightening, rain drop of guy issues came down on me!!!!!!!!!! And now, I have rain clouds, lighting, thunder... all that good stuff, following me around. My conscience once again, nagging at me about this guy that wants to "hook-up" with me, that needs an answer soon, that will be hurt forever if I don't give him the right answer... this is what guy-issues do to me! It's just not fair! Right when everything seemed to be going so well, life was running sooooo smooth; the ugly face of reality came bombarding back into my life, telling me, "You can run, but you most certainly CANNOT hide." It's like the witch in The Wizard of Oz, "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!" No matter what I do, I can't escape the everyday things that an everyday teenager has to face. I have just one big question, WHY MEEEEEEEEEE??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued....

It's official, I'm a Senior and it's summer! YES!

Sooooo, yay for surviving yet another year of school. This year seemed to last forever. And I'm happy and sad to see it go, but I still have one more year to make a lot more memories. I just can't believe that this year is over. It was like it was never going to end, and a lot of the time, I didn't want it to end. And it's even harder to believe that I am actually a Senior now. It's gonna be great trying to graduate next year. I think I will probably have about a million panic attacks before I graduate, worrying about what I'm going to do with my life after high school. Anyhoo! So, tomorrow, I get to get up early to take a shower and then go to one of my church leader's houses to go up to Cascade for a 3 day church camp. I think I'm a little more excitedonight than I have been for the last couple of days. It's just that at this camp, Legacy is what we call it, we pretty much sit through an endless amount of hours of talks, that we are forced to sit down and listen to. And there is no leaving the "talk room" unless you are very sick or something like that. So, it's like they are trying to shove the spirit of church down my throat, but then again, I volunteered for that because it was my choice to go. But there was no real point to staying home because ALL of my friends would be up at church camp, whether they are girls or guys because the guys have the Alma Academy at the same time as Legacy. So yeah, it's gonna be a struggle for me to sit through all of these talks without going crazy. But hey, they are very good talks and you do get some fun experiences while you're up there. Anyhoo! We'll see how it goes. I will just try to stay as positive as I can. It'll be cool, I'm sure. Well, I guess that's it. I don't really have any important things to talk about, just what's on my mind. Love and peace!