Right here waiting... just waiting.

You look right through me everyday, you never notice my smiles and my frowns when you don't see me smile. You use me for things that are vital to you to stay socially on top, but you leave me alone at the bottom, just sitting and watching. You push me down with every chance that is presented to you, yet you expect so much from me. You never realize my feelings, you walk all over me and degrade me, you never count me in your life, you never really see me... you never really see. Were we ever friends, or is it all just lies?

When will you see that I have cared about you every second, that I have been there for you at your every whim? That I have loved you and helped you and cherished you? Did any of it even register inside of you, or is your heart of stone and ice? Can't you see what you mean to me? Can't you tell I'm begging you to see what I feel? Can't you feel the guilt inside yourself, eating away at you because you have treated me so very lowly? Can't you tell I'm screaming for you to take notice and show some compassion? When will your feelings tell you that someone that loves you has been left in the cold and lonely dark because of you? Will you ever?

Running does no good, hiding can't take the hurt away, fighting back is useless... nothing will ever reach you. But wait... if I disappear... if I'm never in your life, if one day you need me and I'm not there, will you notice then???? It is just as easy for me to not care anymore. I'm wasting my life on this, I'm just wasting away worrying about you. Life if too short for this, and I am not afraid to let you go. You've so obviously forgotten me, why not complete it and really go? Why not just never show my face in your presence ever again? It's an easy thing and can be done. I am not afraid!

But this is a fact, that nothing will change your cold and empty heart... nothing will change your ways and thoughts and feelings... you don't even have feelings. How could you? And how could you be this way? How could any one person be this way? The world is losing its blessed touch, and instead has a horrid cursing blow. We who are born here are cursed... we are all a cursed people... and the only cure is lost. Love is lost. Love is. Love. There is nothing else. Just you and me.

Where is mercy for the hurting heart? There is none found in this day.

Having one of those nights.

I just can't stop thinking about Kenny this week. He's been on my mind since about last Wednesday. And tonight, I have been crying like crazy... maybe it's because this Thursday it will be 3 months since he died. And I think it's also because the very next night will be our Homecoming game, and he's not going to be there to share it with us... at least not physically. Last year at our Homecoming game was probably one of the best times we had with him. He made us all laugh sooo hard, and he let us torture him... it was so much fun! But this year, we'll all be looking at the place that we had sat, and it's going to be hard to cheer without him cheering, too. Then Saturday is our Homecoming dance, and there will be a huge empty space when we have dinner and in all the activities that we do... he won't be there. It's just really hard... but at least I have the ability to talk about it and write about it. If I didn't, I think I would rot and fester inside.

I feel so dumb for crying when I do because I know that Kenny must be shaking his head just wanting me to stop and to smile. I know for a FACT that he wants me to smile because of a dream I had that was just a little more real than a dream. I don't know if I ever said anything about this, but the Wednesday after Kenny's funeral (it was on a Monday... that Wednesday was exactly a week after he died) I had a dream, and Kenny was there, and we were in my kitchen. All he really said to me was that I needed to smile, to look at the smile on his face, and smile just like that because he had the biggest smile on his face! I knew that it was him telling me that it was time to stop hurting so much and time to let myself smile and laugh again. I knew that he was really smiling like that, it wasn't just my imagination, it was Kenny smiling at me and he had the greatest, most happy smile I've ever seen on anyone's face. How can you be sad knowing that someone is sooooo truly happy? I guess I'm not really sad, I just really miss him and I wish we could all be where he is so that we could be together... he's in such a great place, I just want to be with him... but not until it's my time.

I don't really have much else to say... I just miss him a lot this week! I want see him so bad and hug him! I don't know if I ever actually hugged him, but it's like I remember what his hug was like and I miss it. I need a Kenny hug, and maybe if I'm lucky, just maybe he'll give me one while I'm sleeping tonight. I hope so much for that.

Believe in the love you have in your heart, that is the most vital part of life and living. Through love, we all survive.

If you were a doctor, you'd ask me why I don't have a heartbeat.

And I'd answer back saying, "Oh that old thing, it caused me to many emotional problems, just got rid of it!"

Yep, that would be interesting. So, guess what... shock of the world, I didn't end up going to the party last night. Surprise surprise! I don't blame Mike... but I do blame his being too nice! He was supposed to get off at 8:00, yeah, he just COULDN'T leave the people at McDonalds right at that time because they got really busy. He said he couldn't just leave them hanging like that. All I could think was, "Buddy, they've already hung themselves and put themselves in the grave by hiring shitty management!" So yeah, it was his decision to not get off when he was supposed to. So, by the time he was finally able to get to my house, it was almost 9:30. He got done working at about 8:50, had to go pick his brother up from a friends house, had to drive all the way home (kind of a drive from my house), change his clothes, then drive all the way back to my house. So yeah, we didn't go to the party. But we did get to hangout, so I'm okay.

Super fun stuff if you ask me... not. I am soooo bitter about the fact that this weekend went to complete waste. I took two days off from school for absolutely nothing, and both of those days were wasted just sitting around the house, not getting to do anything because we didn't have a car. And the same with yesterday... boring boring boring... WASTEFUL! I don't know how I'm going to get over it. This weekend, I needed to get pictures for a thing in my English class that we do... Senior Memiors. I need 5 occasions that occured this month; I've only got two. The other 3 were going to be from Idaho Falls... but not now!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry people, I know I keep going on about this, but honestly, it's really scaring to a person like me. I am used to having a lot to do during the weekend, I'm used to having plans go through like they're supposed to... for the most part. So yeah, it's a sob story and I need to get over it.

Other than that, not a lot to talk about. Nothing amazing happened last night while Mike and I were hanging out. I'm almost certain that I would rather have spent the rest of the evening on my own... he was pretty grumpy from work and that's not something I like to deal with.
Oh, if you are interested in reading some of my other stupid thoughts on life... I have a blog at myspace. The url is www.myspace.com/opera_angel Just check it out... lots of fun to be had there! Anyhoo... I'm out! My mind is fried. Later!

Possessions are nothing compared to my heart and mind that you seem to think you own.

Drop a heart, break a name... story of my life!

So yeah, I have calmed down a lot since last night. Still pretty bumbed out, but can't do anything about it now! Just waiting for 8:00 to role around and see if Mike will possibly be nice enough to accompany me to a my friend's b-day party that started at 7:00... it's almost 7:40 now. Hopefully Mike will be cool and just say that he'll go so that we don't have to argue about it for an hour. I would have already be gone, but like I said before, our car isn't working. And we have the Geo, but I can't drive that, and I didn't exactly want to show up at a party being dropped off. It's not that I don't like being dropped off by my parents... it could have been anyone and it would have bugged me. I Just don't want to show up at a party where everyone is younger than me and be the only one not driving themself. Yeah, I guess it's a teenager thing or something.

But yeah, if Mike goes, he can drive and I don't have to find a ride home AND we get to hangout. Good things right, and you would figure that any guy who is crazy about his girlfriend would say YES just so that he could hang out with her... yeah. SOOOO not true. I practically have to drag Mike to things like this. It wasn't even me who convinced him to go to last weekend's thing with me. His buddy Jesse had to convince him. Ohhhh! Relationships are SOOOO frikin' over-rated it's ridiculous!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I like Mike and we're totally close and most of the time it's cool being in a dating relationship with him, but honestly, I would have been okay if I never ended up getting a boyfriend over the summer. I was actually planning on staying single throughout the rest of high school, and I know I could have done it. But I just couldn't say no to Mike because he has been my best guy friend since freshman year. But yeah... it's just soooooo... I don't even know the word for it. Over-rated pretty much sums it up!

So yes, if you have a daughter who is of dating age, but you don't want her steady dating... send her to me and I'll talk her out of it! And now I must go and eat my poison dinner called McDonalds. So good, but so bad for you! YAY!

Believe it or not, you actually made me smile for a second.

Tribute! Sleepless because of crap.

Update on car crap: Not cool! The car didn't get fixed today, so we don't get to go to Idaho Falls, and I don't get to have a fun weekend. I just really want to blow up and swear all over the place! PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!! GGGGGGAAAAAAAAA!!! Man this sucks! So not happy! Tomorrow is going to be so friking boring because we don't have a car to go anywhere with!!!

GAY GAY GAY!!!! AAAAA! I don't even know what to say right now because I am soooooo flipping angry and frustrated. I mean, I think it would have been okay, but all of my girls went out of town this weekend to Utah, and Mike is working all frikin' day! And any other friends that I have, well, we don't exactly hang out unless my friends that I do hangout with are there, but they won't be!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA!!!! Well, I guess a friend of mine from school is having her b-day party tomorrow, maybe I can make it to that. That would be cool. Hmmm... maybe my buddy Will got invited and we can go together. That would be awesome. Little shining moment of happiness. Glee! Yay!

Fhew, thank goodness for that. I was seriously going to go postal on this computer in a few seconds. I am still very hostile right now. I think I need a punching bag for times like this. That would come in very handy! Damn it! I want one now!!!!! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!! FILUEOaldfjakldufoaejazDJFKLJOIEMFLKDHGUKRMEDEJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAA! I'm SOOOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't take it anymore! And there is sooooo much more that I would say, but there are people that could read this then tell other people about it, so I will just keep my stupid mouth shut!!!!!!! I really can't take it anymore! I'm gonna explode! Gotta go!

Yeah, pretty much!

Nice, it's been how long now since I've done a blog on here? Frikin' too long! Damn my ignorance! I'll work on that!

Okgeee! (This is the way my friends and I say Okay, you say it, only basically keep the k silent, maybe add just a litte k sound in there... it's cool!)

Depressed, depressed, depressed... hate it with a passion! But I have good reason to be... stupid frikin' automobiles and their shit! I hate cars! I hate them, hate them, hate them!!!!!!! AAAAA! Just want to give them some kind of human characteristics, so that I can punch them and they will say OUCH back to me! Then I'll be like, "Damn right! Do this again, and you'll REALLY be hurting!" Ohhhhh! The ANGER! I can't take it anymore!

What is the reason for this anger you ask? Well that's easy! We had everything worked out perfectly, we had everything ready, we were going to have a GREAT weekend in Idaho Falls, BUT NO! The damn car decided to.... (please, before I continue, let me apologize for the inappropriate language I am displaying... I know it's not good, but DAMN IT, I'm mad!!!!) be a piece of crap, and not want to take the drive to Idaho Falls. It was like, "F you! I'm not going!" and so something with the Transmission is wrong or something... at least I know that the CHECK TRANS light came on. Stupid crap like that! So yeah, we ended up having to come home, and I guess there is a lot of crap wrong with our car all of the sudden. Isn't that great?

Oooo oo oo! Moment of happiness here! My boyfriend just stopped by and gave me a rose! Yay! He knew that I was upset about the car and not going to I.F. so he gave me a pretty hot-pink colored rose! I think it was also to appologize for yesterday because he got all kranky with me and made me pretty upset and he's feeling really bad now about the fact that he wasn't very nice to me. But yeah, he pretty much rocks!!! Good stuff there!

So, to conclude my blog of anger, I will now say that if things don't go better tomorrow... (better meaning, the car can be fixed easily and it will be covered by our warranty so that we don't have to spend a butt load of money so that we can go to I.F.) then I am definitely throwing something VERY breakable at the wall! It will be a wonderful sweet sound to hear something shattering... justl like my dreams of getting out of town for the weekend! Baahhh humbug!

It's moments like this that really prove... I've got a turtle in my attic that is growing larger by the minute!